adBlockCheck

Local

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News

Street Musician's Mother Really On His Case About Practicing His Buckets

NEW YORK—Insisting that if the young street musician doesn’t apply himself more, he’ll never work his way up to a good busking spot in Times Square, local mother Rita Skolnick reportedly told her son Wednesday to “go upstairs right now” and get to practicing his buckets. “When you begged me to get you those buckets, you promised you’d practice an hour every day, and now they just sit there collecting dust,” Skolnick shouted at her son Tyler, 15, pointing at a pair of white plastic buckets in the corner of his room. “You should be setting aside a solid block of time every afternoon to sit down and practice your buckets. That’s the only way you’re going to get better.” Sources confirmed that half an hour later, Skolnick again yelled at her son when she went into his room and found him sitting on one of his buckets and playing video games.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close