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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Street Team Of NHL Players Posts Fliers Promoting Upcoming Game

SAN JOSE, CA—Citing poor season-ticket sales, lackluster attendance, and the fact that they "just play better in front of a crowd," members of the San Jose Sharks hit the streets Thursday with fluorescent blue fliers promoting their upcoming game against the Los Angeles Kings. "Anyone here into sports at all? 'Cause if you are, I think you'd really like what we do," Sharks team captain and public-relations coordinator Patrick Marleau said to a group of politely attentive shoppers on Santana Row. "There's going to be live organ music, we have beer and nachos and stuff, it's a good atmosphere. You guys should definitely come by later if you aren't busy." Marleau was assisted by Joe Thornton, the Sharks' leading scorer and 2005 NHL MVP, who assisted in tearing off pieces of tape and made sure the 'GAME 2-NITE' posters were level.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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