adBlockCheck

Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

Street Team Of NHL Players Posts Fliers Promoting Upcoming Game

SAN JOSE, CA—Citing poor season-ticket sales, lackluster attendance, and the fact that they "just play better in front of a crowd," members of the San Jose Sharks hit the streets Thursday with fluorescent blue fliers promoting their upcoming game against the Los Angeles Kings. "Anyone here into sports at all? 'Cause if you are, I think you'd really like what we do," Sharks team captain and public-relations coordinator Patrick Marleau said to a group of politely attentive shoppers on Santana Row. "There's going to be live organ music, we have beer and nachos and stuff, it's a good atmosphere. You guys should definitely come by later if you aren't busy." Marleau was assisted by Joe Thornton, the Sharks' leading scorer and 2005 NHL MVP, who assisted in tearing off pieces of tape and made sure the 'GAME 2-NITE' posters were level.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close