adBlockCheck

Local

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Streets Of Portland Flooded With Counterfeit Toothbrushes

PORTLAND, OR—The health-and-beauty-aids market in the Pacific Northwest city of Portland is on the verge of collapse due to the mass infiltration of cheap counterfeit toothbrushes, police said Monday. "Every day, thousands of counterfeit toothbrushes, mostly of Asian origin, are falling into the hands of ordinary Portland citizens, including children," said Police Chief Corwin LaDuke, who added that the toothbrushes in question closely resemble legitimate ones, but are labeled "Orel-B" instead of "Oral-B," cost nearly a dime less, and can be purchased from lone dealers on street corners. "If not stopped, this could be a gateway for other illegitimate items, like off-brand napkins and black-market number two pencils." City officials also fear that organized crime figures are taking control of Portland's recycling program.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close