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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Streets Of Portland Flooded With Counterfeit Toothbrushes

PORTLAND, OR—The health-and-beauty-aids market in the Pacific Northwest city of Portland is on the verge of collapse due to the mass infiltration of cheap counterfeit toothbrushes, police said Monday. "Every day, thousands of counterfeit toothbrushes, mostly of Asian origin, are falling into the hands of ordinary Portland citizens, including children," said Police Chief Corwin LaDuke, who added that the toothbrushes in question closely resemble legitimate ones, but are labeled "Orel-B" instead of "Oral-B," cost nearly a dime less, and can be purchased from lone dealers on street corners. "If not stopped, this could be a gateway for other illegitimate items, like off-brand napkins and black-market number two pencils." City officials also fear that organized crime figures are taking control of Portland's recycling program.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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