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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Streets Of Portland Flooded With Counterfeit Toothbrushes

PORTLAND, OR—The health-and-beauty-aids market in the Pacific Northwest city of Portland is on the verge of collapse due to the mass infiltration of cheap counterfeit toothbrushes, police said Monday. "Every day, thousands of counterfeit toothbrushes, mostly of Asian origin, are falling into the hands of ordinary Portland citizens, including children," said Police Chief Corwin LaDuke, who added that the toothbrushes in question closely resemble legitimate ones, but are labeled "Orel-B" instead of "Oral-B," cost nearly a dime less, and can be purchased from lone dealers on street corners. "If not stopped, this could be a gateway for other illegitimate items, like off-brand napkins and black-market number two pencils." City officials also fear that organized crime figures are taking control of Portland's recycling program.

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