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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Streets Of Portland Flooded With Counterfeit Toothbrushes

PORTLAND, OR—The health-and-beauty-aids market in the Pacific Northwest city of Portland is on the verge of collapse due to the mass infiltration of cheap counterfeit toothbrushes, police said Monday. "Every day, thousands of counterfeit toothbrushes, mostly of Asian origin, are falling into the hands of ordinary Portland citizens, including children," said Police Chief Corwin LaDuke, who added that the toothbrushes in question closely resemble legitimate ones, but are labeled "Orel-B" instead of "Oral-B," cost nearly a dime less, and can be purchased from lone dealers on street corners. "If not stopped, this could be a gateway for other illegitimate items, like off-brand napkins and black-market number two pencils." City officials also fear that organized crime figures are taking control of Portland's recycling program.

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