Stress Relief Tips

Top Headlines

Recent News

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

What It Costs To Host The Olympic Games

Boston announced this week it will pull its bid for the 2024 Olympics, due in part to the huge costs associated with the games that could become a taxpayer burden. Here is a breakdown of what the Olympics cost their host cities

Resolute Congress Passes Second Amendment Again

WASHINGTON—Easily securing the requisite two-thirds majorities in the House and Senate, a resolute United States Congress responded to the ongoing national debate on gun rights Tuesday by passing the Second Amendment again.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Business

Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Stress Relief Tips

Did you know that 9 out of 10 Americans experience stress at least once a day?* In this fast-paced, high-pressure society of ours, it’s easy to become "stressed out." Here are a few handy tips for coping:


  • Go to a Hallmark store where they sell "Mr. Squeezie" Stress Reduction Ball; slap clerk
  • Count to 10 in German, screaming
  • Inhale deeply; count to five; exhale; re-light joint; repeat
  • Cry like a goddamn woman

  • Rig up special system to blast ear with air-horn every time you feel yourself tensing up
  • Enjoy soothing coma
  • Take up fun hobby, such as human ear collecting
  • Install dolphin tank in upstairs bathtub; speak their sea tongue, learn their ancient wisdom
  • Put on relaxing acoustic music; dim the lights; shoot heroin into corners of eyes
  • Release aggression by punching a soft, yielding object, like a sock, pillow or wife
  • Brew up pot of boiling herbal tea; pour over face
  • Have shoulder muscles surgically removed
  • Treat self to 36-hour getaway atop campus clock tower
  • Open fire in Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant; take own life

    *Official Statistic—U.S. Stress Department