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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Stress Relief Tips

Did you know that 9 out of 10 Americans experience stress at least once a day?* In this fast-paced, high-pressure society of ours, it’s easy to become "stressed out." Here are a few handy tips for coping:


  • Go to a Hallmark store where they sell "Mr. Squeezie" Stress Reduction Ball; slap clerk
  • Count to 10 in German, screaming
  • Inhale deeply; count to five; exhale; re-light joint; repeat
  • Cry like a goddamn woman

  • Rig up special system to blast ear with air-horn every time you feel yourself tensing up
  • Enjoy soothing coma
  • Take up fun hobby, such as human ear collecting
  • Install dolphin tank in upstairs bathtub; speak their sea tongue, learn their ancient wisdom
  • Put on relaxing acoustic music; dim the lights; shoot heroin into corners of eyes
  • Release aggression by punching a soft, yielding object, like a sock, pillow or wife
  • Brew up pot of boiling herbal tea; pour over face
  • Have shoulder muscles surgically removed
  • Treat self to 36-hour getaway atop campus clock tower
  • Open fire in Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant; take own life

    *Official Statistic—U.S. Stress Department

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