Stress Relief Tips

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How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Stress Relief Tips

Did you know that 9 out of 10 Americans experience stress at least once a day?* In this fast-paced, high-pressure society of ours, it’s easy to become "stressed out." Here are a few handy tips for coping:


  • Go to a Hallmark store where they sell "Mr. Squeezie" Stress Reduction Ball; slap clerk
  • Count to 10 in German, screaming
  • Inhale deeply; count to five; exhale; re-light joint; repeat
  • Cry like a goddamn woman

  • Rig up special system to blast ear with air-horn every time you feel yourself tensing up
  • Enjoy soothing coma
  • Take up fun hobby, such as human ear collecting
  • Install dolphin tank in upstairs bathtub; speak their sea tongue, learn their ancient wisdom
  • Put on relaxing acoustic music; dim the lights; shoot heroin into corners of eyes
  • Release aggression by punching a soft, yielding object, like a sock, pillow or wife
  • Brew up pot of boiling herbal tea; pour over face
  • Have shoulder muscles surgically removed
  • Treat self to 36-hour getaway atop campus clock tower
  • Open fire in Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant; take own life

    *Official Statistic—U.S. Stress Department