Stress Relief Tips

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Stress Relief Tips

Did you know that 9 out of 10 Americans experience stress at least once a day?* In this fast-paced, high-pressure society of ours, it’s easy to become "stressed out." Here are a few handy tips for coping:


  • Go to a Hallmark store where they sell "Mr. Squeezie" Stress Reduction Ball; slap clerk
  • Count to 10 in German, screaming
  • Inhale deeply; count to five; exhale; re-light joint; repeat
  • Cry like a goddamn woman

  • Rig up special system to blast ear with air-horn every time you feel yourself tensing up
  • Enjoy soothing coma
  • Take up fun hobby, such as human ear collecting
  • Install dolphin tank in upstairs bathtub; speak their sea tongue, learn their ancient wisdom
  • Put on relaxing acoustic music; dim the lights; shoot heroin into corners of eyes
  • Release aggression by punching a soft, yielding object, like a sock, pillow or wife
  • Brew up pot of boiling herbal tea; pour over face
  • Have shoulder muscles surgically removed
  • Treat self to 36-hour getaway atop campus clock tower
  • Open fire in Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant; take own life

    *Official Statistic—U.S. Stress Department

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