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Stress Relief Tips

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Charles Koch Orders Sniper To Fire Warning Shot Next To Marco Rubio On Debate Stage

GREENVILLE, SC—In response to the presidential candidate’s unsatisfactory answer to a question about the economic effects of environmental regulations, Koch Industries CEO Charles Koch reportedly ordered a sniper positioned in the rafters of the Greenville Peace Center to fire a warning shot near Marco Rubio’s podium during Saturday’s Republican debate.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Stress Relief Tips

Did you know that 9 out of 10 Americans experience stress at least once a day?* In this fast-paced, high-pressure society of ours, it’s easy to become "stressed out." Here are a few handy tips for coping:


  • Go to a Hallmark store where they sell "Mr. Squeezie" Stress Reduction Ball; slap clerk
  • Count to 10 in German, screaming
  • Inhale deeply; count to five; exhale; re-light joint; repeat
  • Cry like a goddamn woman

  • Rig up special system to blast ear with air-horn every time you feel yourself tensing up
  • Enjoy soothing coma
  • Take up fun hobby, such as human ear collecting
  • Install dolphin tank in upstairs bathtub; speak their sea tongue, learn their ancient wisdom
  • Put on relaxing acoustic music; dim the lights; shoot heroin into corners of eyes
  • Release aggression by punching a soft, yielding object, like a sock, pillow or wife
  • Brew up pot of boiling herbal tea; pour over face
  • Have shoulder muscles surgically removed
  • Treat self to 36-hour getaway atop campus clock tower
  • Open fire in Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant; take own life

    *Official Statistic—U.S. Stress Department

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