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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Strip Poker Ends Solemnly With Scar Explanation

CONRAD, MT—The laughter and giddy sexual tension that typically accompanies a game of strip poker ended abruptly Monday after player Sarah Garrison removed her shirt and revealed a vicious scar that prompted innocent yet ill-advised questioning from the three other participants.

"I guess she was 9 when it happened," said playing partner Justin Kiefel, who described the scar as jagged, densely fibrous, and extending from her navel all the way to her collarbone. "Her uncle was drunk and prone to Vietnam flashbacks, and had been playing with his knife, and, uh, I don't want to say any more." Kiefel said that after about 30 seconds of shocked silence, everyone started putting their clothes back on.

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