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Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife

'It's The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,' Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson

Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a really cool wooden-handled Buck-brand pocketknife on the street.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.
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Strip Poker Ends Solemnly With Scar Explanation

CONRAD, MT—The laughter and giddy sexual tension that typically accompanies a game of strip poker ended abruptly Monday after player Sarah Garrison removed her shirt and revealed a vicious scar that prompted innocent yet ill-advised questioning from the three other participants.

"I guess she was 9 when it happened," said playing partner Justin Kiefel, who described the scar as jagged, densely fibrous, and extending from her navel all the way to her collarbone. "Her uncle was drunk and prone to Vietnam flashbacks, and had been playing with his knife, and, uh, I don't want to say any more." Kiefel said that after about 30 seconds of shocked silence, everyone started putting their clothes back on.

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