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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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Strip Poker Ends Solemnly With Scar Explanation

CONRAD, MT—The laughter and giddy sexual tension that typically accompanies a game of strip poker ended abruptly Monday after player Sarah Garrison removed her shirt and revealed a vicious scar that prompted innocent yet ill-advised questioning from the three other participants.

"I guess she was 9 when it happened," said playing partner Justin Kiefel, who described the scar as jagged, densely fibrous, and extending from her navel all the way to her collarbone. "Her uncle was drunk and prone to Vietnam flashbacks, and had been playing with his knife, and, uh, I don't want to say any more." Kiefel said that after about 30 seconds of shocked silence, everyone started putting their clothes back on.

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