Stripper Failing School She's Working Self Through

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Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Stripper Failing School She's Working Self Through

LAS VEGAS—Exotic dancer Tricia "Mercedes" Hrlevich, 22, who is stripping to put herself through school, is failing her Red Rock Community College business classes, sources said Tuesday. "I definitely want to do something with, like, business," said Hrlevich, who has received Fs on three straight economics exams. "Dancing at Cheetah's [Gentlemen's Cabaret] is just a way of getting closer toward that goal." Hrlevich then accompanied a balding 54-year-old to the Champagne Room, where she earned $60 toward a Psych 101 textbook she will never read.