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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

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VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

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Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

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Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Stripper Putting Herself Through Life

An ambitious Meyer says exotic dancing is just a "for right now until death sort of thing."
An ambitious Meyer says exotic dancing is just a "for right now until death sort of thing."

JUPITER, FL—Nina Meyer, a young, strong-willed exotic dancer at the Klassy Dolls Gentleman's Club, informed patrons Monday that she only plans to perform nude for as long as it takes to get through the remainder of her existence on earth.

"Look, I'm not gonna be a stripper forever," Meyer said while administering one more in an endless series of lapdances. "You better believe I'll be out of here the minute I either die or become so old that no man will pay to see me naked."

"I've got dreams a lot bigger than this dump," Meyer continued. "I'm only doing this because there's no way I'll ever come close to achieving those dreams."

Meyer, 24, accepted her current position three months ago to "pick up a little extra cash" for food, clothing, and shelter. She told reporters that stripping allows her the freedom to barely chip away at her enormous debt while still being able to save absolutely nothing for the future.

"The hours are flexible, and the money's pretty good for a girl trying to pay for the basic necessities required to continue breathing," Meyer said. "Trust me, I know better than anyone how demeaning this job can be, but I also know it's just a means to an end."

"Specifically, the end of my fleeting youth and my ability to trust anyone ever again," Meyer added.

Though Meyer has to contend with constant harassment from her disgusting boss, and borderline sexual assault from drunken or obsessed patrons, she remains certain that, due to the nature of mortality, she'll eventually be able to put her stripping days behind her.

"Can you imagine how gross it would be to tell someone that you're a 40-year-old stripper?" Meyer said. "There's no way I'll let that happen to me. That's why I plan to start lying as I get older and say that I'm a waitress or a nurse or something."

In addition to putting herself through a bleak and hopeless existence by cheapening herself nightly, Meyer is also supporting her abusive, unemployed boyfriend, 34-year-old James Keller.

Meyer claimed that much of her money, as well as all of her remaining faith in humanity, will go to Keller just until he gets back on his feet and runs off with another stripper, most likely one of Meyer's close friends.

"I'm just helping Jimmy out until he gets me pregnant and takes off to go live with his mom in Oklahoma," Meyer said. "After we get over that hump, it'll just be me and his bastard kid, who will destroy both any chance I ever had of dating a decent guy, as well as our only source of income: my taut, lean body."

Those who frequent Klassy Dolls have reportedly offered their support for Meyer's life plan. Bo Lewiston, 42, a twice-divorced auto-body shop owner who frequently breaks the nightclub's rules by forcing his hands into Meyer's G-string, said he has no doubt that the beautiful 24-year-old will attain the minimal subsistence-oriented goals she has laid out for herself.

"Nina is a wonderful gal with a great head on her shoulders," Lewiston said while leering dangerously at Meyer. "Hell, if she tries hard enough and develops a meth habit, she could fatally overdose and be out of Klassy Dolls in just a few months."

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