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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Stripper Putting Herself Through Life

An ambitious Meyer says exotic dancing is just a "for right now until death sort of thing."
An ambitious Meyer says exotic dancing is just a "for right now until death sort of thing."

JUPITER, FL—Nina Meyer, a young, strong-willed exotic dancer at the Klassy Dolls Gentleman's Club, informed patrons Monday that she only plans to perform nude for as long as it takes to get through the remainder of her existence on earth.

"Look, I'm not gonna be a stripper forever," Meyer said while administering one more in an endless series of lapdances. "You better believe I'll be out of here the minute I either die or become so old that no man will pay to see me naked."

"I've got dreams a lot bigger than this dump," Meyer continued. "I'm only doing this because there's no way I'll ever come close to achieving those dreams."

Meyer, 24, accepted her current position three months ago to "pick up a little extra cash" for food, clothing, and shelter. She told reporters that stripping allows her the freedom to barely chip away at her enormous debt while still being able to save absolutely nothing for the future.

"The hours are flexible, and the money's pretty good for a girl trying to pay for the basic necessities required to continue breathing," Meyer said. "Trust me, I know better than anyone how demeaning this job can be, but I also know it's just a means to an end."

"Specifically, the end of my fleeting youth and my ability to trust anyone ever again," Meyer added.

Though Meyer has to contend with constant harassment from her disgusting boss, and borderline sexual assault from drunken or obsessed patrons, she remains certain that, due to the nature of mortality, she'll eventually be able to put her stripping days behind her.

"Can you imagine how gross it would be to tell someone that you're a 40-year-old stripper?" Meyer said. "There's no way I'll let that happen to me. That's why I plan to start lying as I get older and say that I'm a waitress or a nurse or something."

In addition to putting herself through a bleak and hopeless existence by cheapening herself nightly, Meyer is also supporting her abusive, unemployed boyfriend, 34-year-old James Keller.

Meyer claimed that much of her money, as well as all of her remaining faith in humanity, will go to Keller just until he gets back on his feet and runs off with another stripper, most likely one of Meyer's close friends.

"I'm just helping Jimmy out until he gets me pregnant and takes off to go live with his mom in Oklahoma," Meyer said. "After we get over that hump, it'll just be me and his bastard kid, who will destroy both any chance I ever had of dating a decent guy, as well as our only source of income: my taut, lean body."

Those who frequent Klassy Dolls have reportedly offered their support for Meyer's life plan. Bo Lewiston, 42, a twice-divorced auto-body shop owner who frequently breaks the nightclub's rules by forcing his hands into Meyer's G-string, said he has no doubt that the beautiful 24-year-old will attain the minimal subsistence-oriented goals she has laid out for herself.

"Nina is a wonderful gal with a great head on her shoulders," Lewiston said while leering dangerously at Meyer. "Hell, if she tries hard enough and develops a meth habit, she could fatally overdose and be out of Klassy Dolls in just a few months."

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