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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Stripper Putting Herself Through Life

An ambitious Meyer says exotic dancing is just a "for right now until death sort of thing."
An ambitious Meyer says exotic dancing is just a "for right now until death sort of thing."

JUPITER, FL—Nina Meyer, a young, strong-willed exotic dancer at the Klassy Dolls Gentleman's Club, informed patrons Monday that she only plans to perform nude for as long as it takes to get through the remainder of her existence on earth.

"Look, I'm not gonna be a stripper forever," Meyer said while administering one more in an endless series of lapdances. "You better believe I'll be out of here the minute I either die or become so old that no man will pay to see me naked."

"I've got dreams a lot bigger than this dump," Meyer continued. "I'm only doing this because there's no way I'll ever come close to achieving those dreams."

Meyer, 24, accepted her current position three months ago to "pick up a little extra cash" for food, clothing, and shelter. She told reporters that stripping allows her the freedom to barely chip away at her enormous debt while still being able to save absolutely nothing for the future.

"The hours are flexible, and the money's pretty good for a girl trying to pay for the basic necessities required to continue breathing," Meyer said. "Trust me, I know better than anyone how demeaning this job can be, but I also know it's just a means to an end."

"Specifically, the end of my fleeting youth and my ability to trust anyone ever again," Meyer added.

Though Meyer has to contend with constant harassment from her disgusting boss, and borderline sexual assault from drunken or obsessed patrons, she remains certain that, due to the nature of mortality, she'll eventually be able to put her stripping days behind her.

"Can you imagine how gross it would be to tell someone that you're a 40-year-old stripper?" Meyer said. "There's no way I'll let that happen to me. That's why I plan to start lying as I get older and say that I'm a waitress or a nurse or something."

In addition to putting herself through a bleak and hopeless existence by cheapening herself nightly, Meyer is also supporting her abusive, unemployed boyfriend, 34-year-old James Keller.

Meyer claimed that much of her money, as well as all of her remaining faith in humanity, will go to Keller just until he gets back on his feet and runs off with another stripper, most likely one of Meyer's close friends.

"I'm just helping Jimmy out until he gets me pregnant and takes off to go live with his mom in Oklahoma," Meyer said. "After we get over that hump, it'll just be me and his bastard kid, who will destroy both any chance I ever had of dating a decent guy, as well as our only source of income: my taut, lean body."

Those who frequent Klassy Dolls have reportedly offered their support for Meyer's life plan. Bo Lewiston, 42, a twice-divorced auto-body shop owner who frequently breaks the nightclub's rules by forcing his hands into Meyer's G-string, said he has no doubt that the beautiful 24-year-old will attain the minimal subsistence-oriented goals she has laid out for herself.

"Nina is a wonderful gal with a great head on her shoulders," Lewiston said while leering dangerously at Meyer. "Hell, if she tries hard enough and develops a meth habit, she could fatally overdose and be out of Klassy Dolls in just a few months."

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