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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Stripper Surprised She Only Talked To 2 Homicide Detectives Today

NASHVILLE, TN—After finishing her last performance of the night at local topless bar the Treasure Chest, exotic dancer Candice Hart, 27, expressed surprise Thursday that she had spoken to just two homicide detectives total over the course of her six-hour shift. “Sure, a cop came in to grill me about Shawna’s disappearance, and then a plainclothes officer asked me if I knew any pseudonyms our regular Robert might have used at any point—but honestly, by this point in the night, I’ve usually been asked if I can identify a perp in a security camera still or a victim in a crime scene photo four or five times already,” Hart told reporters, adding that, bizarrely, she hadn’t directed a single brusque, no-nonsense investigator toward the club’s manager Artie Balducci at all during the evening. “Even on weekdays, I can barely get back up on stage before someone from the second precinct comes in, flashes his badge, and explains that Nicole or Jasmine or someone just turned up in a field alongside the interstate and my life is in danger. But today? Nothing. I guess it’s just a slow night.” At press time, Hart noted that things may be “getting back to normal” after walking backstage to find a detective talking to a weeping crowd of her fellow employees.

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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

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