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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Stripper Surprised She Only Talked To 2 Homicide Detectives Today

NASHVILLE, TN—After finishing her last performance of the night at local topless bar the Treasure Chest, exotic dancer Candice Hart, 27, expressed surprise Thursday that she had spoken to just two homicide detectives total over the course of her six-hour shift. “Sure, a cop came in to grill me about Shawna’s disappearance, and then a plainclothes officer asked me if I knew any pseudonyms our regular Robert might have used at any point—but honestly, by this point in the night, I’ve usually been asked if I can identify a perp in a security camera still or a victim in a crime scene photo four or five times already,” Hart told reporters, adding that, bizarrely, she hadn’t directed a single brusque, no-nonsense investigator toward the club’s manager Artie Balducci at all during the evening. “Even on weekdays, I can barely get back up on stage before someone from the second precinct comes in, flashes his badge, and explains that Nicole or Jasmine or someone just turned up in a field alongside the interstate and my life is in danger. But today? Nothing. I guess it’s just a slow night.” At press time, Hart noted that things may be “getting back to normal” after walking backstage to find a detective talking to a weeping crowd of her fellow employees.

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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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