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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

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Stripper Surprised She Only Talked To 2 Homicide Detectives Today

NASHVILLE, TN—After finishing her last performance of the night at local topless bar the Treasure Chest, exotic dancer Candice Hart, 27, expressed surprise Thursday that she had spoken to just two homicide detectives total over the course of her six-hour shift. “Sure, a cop came in to grill me about Shawna’s disappearance, and then a plainclothes officer asked me if I knew any pseudonyms our regular Robert might have used at any point—but honestly, by this point in the night, I’ve usually been asked if I can identify a perp in a security camera still or a victim in a crime scene photo four or five times already,” Hart told reporters, adding that, bizarrely, she hadn’t directed a single brusque, no-nonsense investigator toward the club’s manager Artie Balducci at all during the evening. “Even on weekdays, I can barely get back up on stage before someone from the second precinct comes in, flashes his badge, and explains that Nicole or Jasmine or someone just turned up in a field alongside the interstate and my life is in danger. But today? Nothing. I guess it’s just a slow night.” At press time, Hart noted that things may be “getting back to normal” after walking backstage to find a detective talking to a weeping crowd of her fellow employees.

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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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