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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Stripper Thinks Customer Flirting With Her

PROVIDENCE, RI—Noting his furtive glances, suggestive body language, and the fact that he’s been laughing at all of her jokes, local exotic dancer Mandy Galloway, 26, told reporters Wednesday that she believes a customer at the Foxy Lady strip club is flirting with her. “I know this sounds crazy, but that brown-haired one has been checking me out all night, and when I went over to talk to him he seemed way more interested in me than all the other dancers in here,” Galloway was reportedly overheard saying to her fellow strippers, who responded by telling their friend she was “delusional” and that this was “just all part of the game.” “There was definitely a connection during our lap dance. And, look, I get that everyone says this, but I think the two of us might have something special.” When reached for comment, the unidentified Foxy Lady patron expressed sympathy for Galloway, telling reporters that she “just looked kind of lonely.”

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