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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Stripper Thinks Customer Flirting With Her

PROVIDENCE, RI—Noting his furtive glances, suggestive body language, and the fact that he’s been laughing at all of her jokes, local exotic dancer Mandy Galloway, 26, told reporters Wednesday that she believes a customer at the Foxy Lady strip club is flirting with her. “I know this sounds crazy, but that brown-haired one has been checking me out all night, and when I went over to talk to him he seemed way more interested in me than all the other dancers in here,” Galloway was reportedly overheard saying to her fellow strippers, who responded by telling their friend she was “delusional” and that this was “just all part of the game.” “There was definitely a connection during our lap dance. And, look, I get that everyone says this, but I think the two of us might have something special.” When reached for comment, the unidentified Foxy Lady patron expressed sympathy for Galloway, telling reporters that she “just looked kind of lonely.”

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