Strom Thurmond Calls For Construction Of Transcontinental Railroad

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Vol 32 Issue 03

Microsft Bids $2.1 Billion For Milton Berle Joke File

REDMOND, WA—Continuing its massive content-acquisition drive, Microsoft paid $2.1 billion Monday for Milton Berle's Joke File, the world's most vaunted collection of insults, gags and one-liners. "We aim to build the greatest archive in human history," Microsoft spokesperson Samantha Franks said, "and, as such, we needed to acquire the world's greatest jokes." Culled from the legendary comedian's six decades in show business—spanning Vaudeville, radio and television—the Milton Berle Joke File is believed to be the largest collection of zingers in existence, covering subjects ranging from mothers-in-law to schwartzes. Microsoft is also rumored to be interested in acquiring Rich Hall's extensive "Sniglets" lexicon.

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BELMONT, CA—At a press conference Monday, Oral-B Laboratories unveiled its much-anticipated new DentuTek 6.0 toothbrush, touted by its designers as slightly different from the hundreds of perfectly good toothbrushes currently on the market. "This toothbrush design is perfect for those who are not satisfied with the 846 existing toothbrush designs currently on the market," Oral-B director of product development Julianne Wuerfel said. "Finally, the American consumer has an 847th choice." According to Wuerfel, the DentuTek 6.0 features a patented ErgoDynamic(TM) handle, tapered to a curve vector almost .002 inches from its nearest competitor, the Colgate 34-XB, as well as a revolutionary new Tri-Level Bristle-Control System(TM). "We're very excited," Oral-B CEO Palmer Esch said. "Our team of toothbrush designers and engineers labored intensely to develop a toothbrush that fit within the infinitesimally small window of as-yet-undesigned toothbrush styles. And they did it."

AARP Calls For 'Comfier Booths' At Denny's

WASHINGTON, DC—Taking a bold stand against discomfort, the American Association of Retired Persons called for "comfier booths" at America's approximately 500 Denny's restaurants Monday. "How long can Denny's management stand idly by while our nation's elderly eat their senior breakfast specials at booths that are merely adequate?" AARP president Marge Littlefield, 77, said. Among its principal demands, the AARP called for increased cushiness, more leg room and an adjustable back-rest feature for those seniors suffering from lower-back discomfort and/or osteoporosis. Additional demands included waitstaff-dispensed shawls, Epsom-salt foot baths at select tables, and specially designated nap areas.

Baseball Hall Of Fame Elected To Hall Of Fame Hall Of Fame

MAPLEWOOD, NJ—In a gala ceremony Monday, the Baseball Hall of Fame was inducted into the Hall of Fame Hall of Fame. Said Hall of Fame Hall of Fame president Darrell Quinlan: "There have been many extraordinary Halls of Fame through the years, but few quite so extraordinary as the Baseball Hall of Fame, with its long, proud tradition of inducting only the most extraordinary baseball players into its ranks." The Baseball Hall of Fame joins such legendary Halls of Fame as the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, the Aviation Hall of Fame and the College Football Hall of Fame in the Hall of Fame Hall of Fame.

My Short Fiction Will Restore America's Romantic Spirit

Sadly, when I look around America today, I see a lack of romantic spirit. Men and women are no longer filled with wonder for the ethereal forces that drive them together. They're not looking up, starry-eyed, at the shimmering night sky. They're not dreaming of the dawn. They're not talking about love! But once my short fiction starts getting published, that should all change.

The UPS Strike

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Strom Thurmond Calls For Construction Of Transcontinental Railroad

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing the need for cheaper and faster shipping to the Western Territories, the need to unite the Republic after the long and bitter War Between The States, and the recent discovery of gold in the California region, U.S. Sen. Strom Thurmond (R-SC) urged Congress Monday to support funding for the construction of a transcontinental railroad.

U.S. Sen. Strom Thurmond (R-SC) said that as the 20th century approaches, the U.S. must be a leader in the field of steam-powered locomotive technology.

"My friends, we stand at the threshold of the Age Of Steam—a glorious new age for the Republic," Thurmond said. "And the mighty steam locomotive is the new Steam Age's most powerful expression. I propose that the Union grant me the sum of 50 thousands of dollars, that I may work in concert with our beloved Captains of Industry to forge an iron road of rails across the untamed, unexplored wilderness of the Western Territories."

According to Thurmond, the proposed Great Western Trans-Continental Steam Rail-Road would stretch from already-established tracks in St. Louis to the shores of the Pacific Ocean, ending "near the white settlement at Sacramento Town."

Once operational, Thurmond told members of Congress, the railroad would move upwards of 24 tons of cargo a day at speeds approaching 30 miles an hour. "My claims may seem preposterous, but mighty steam is more than ample for this endeavor," Thurmond said. "A locomotive may someday leave New York at Thanksgiving and arrive at the Pacific Sea by Christmas-tide. Gentlemen of the press, take note: Such progress is more rapid than even the vaunted clipper ships of the East India Trading Company!"

Despite the enormous scale of the transcontinental railroad, Thurmond said that it could be built at a remarkably low cost, primarily through the use of cheap foreign labor. "Seeing as that slavery has recently fallen from favor," he said, "I propose the importation of the Chinee, through relations with a procurer of labor in the Orient."

The senator went on to point out that the Chinaman has the naturally industrious and servile nature of the ant, is as clever with tools as the common monkey, and will eat nearly anything he can find.

Reaction to the Thurmond proposal on Capitol Hill was overwhelmingly negative, with a majority of legislators—both Republican and Democrat—dismissing it before even hearing its details. Stung by the lukewarm reaction among his colleagues, an angry Thurmond lashed back Tuesday.

"I hear my Whig detractors mutter, 'Preposterous!' and, 'Who shall build this foul rail-road, and where?'" Thurmond said. "Well it is no mere Opium-dream, and I propose to build it in the great Western Desert, which will be ideal once the Great Canyon is filled in and its hellish mesas and cacti are destroyed by dynamite. The region is home to no one, save the Red Indian, and these heathen savages may be either exterminated or relocated to less valuable land, such as the so-called oil-fields of Oklahoma, where noisome substances bubble out of the Earth."

When questioned by Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) about the necessity of the railroad, considering the existence of a fully functional Federal Interstate Highway System, Thurmond alerted the Senate Sergeant-At-Arms to the presence of a woman on the congressional floor and ordered her immediate removal.

"There is an individual of the female persuasion in the Senatorial chamber—with the facial cast of a Jewess, no less!" Thurmond said. "Guards, seize her!"

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