Strom Thurmond Drafts Bill Prohibiting Telegraph Porn

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Dennis Miller Deeply Concerned About Long-Distance Service

Comedian Dennis Miller momentarily turned serious Monday to address the critical issue of long-distance service. "When the people at 10-10-220 brought to my attention the savings Americans are losing with every call they make using other carriers, I knew something had to be done," Miller said. "I could not stand by in good conscience while millions of innocent people went uninformed about which long-distance service offers the best rates." Added Miller: "The madness must end. All calls up to 20 minutes are just 99 cents."

Touring Company Of Cats Prepares For Yet Another Day In The Goddamn Catsuits

ST. LOUIS–Members of the national touring company of Andrew Lloyd Webber's Cats steeled themselves Monday for yet another day in the goddamn catsuits. "One of these days, my agent is going to land me a TV or movie role and get me out of this living nightmare," said Jonathan Belinsky, gluing whiskers onto his face and wriggling into a fur-covered bodysuit for his role as Mr. Mistoffolees. "I can't take much more of this." Stephanie Watrous, who has played Jennyanydots for eight agonizing years, said, "Each day, I pray for sweet release from the hideous quasi-feline mockery that my life has become. Where are we today? Spokane?" Six suicides have plagued the touring company in the past year, with three of them occurring during performances of the song "Memory."

Second Hour In Fabric Store Nearly Kills Eight-Year-Old

COVINGTON, KY–Local 8-year-old William Haney is listed in stable condition following Sunday's near-fatal two-hour excursion to Martha's Fabric Outlet on Route 23 near Cincinnati. Dragged to the store by his mother, 36-year-old Carolyn Haney, who was reportedly obsessed with finding the perfect fabric for new bathroom curtains, Haney wandered the aisles for more than an hour in search of anything of remote interest. "After making his 12th walking tour of the entire store, gazing listlessly upon bolt after identical bolt of fabric, William collapsed from what is commonly known as a massive boredom attack," said St. Joseph's Hospital spokesperson Andrew Peele. "He was literally seconds from death when his mother finally purchased three yards of a floral print and left the store." Emergency doses of comic books and candy were administered to Haney, upgrading his condition.

Expense-Account Wizard Transforms Prostitute Into Color Copies

CHICAGO–In a remarkable feat of expense-account wizardry, Chicago marketing executive Edgar Furness transformed a prostitute into 250 color copies Monday. Furness, who enjoyed a half-hour of sodomy with prostitute Chantel LaRue during a business trip to Dallas last week, magically turned the sexual encounter into a stack of colorful, easy-to-read pie charts created at Kinko's for a presentation to clients. Furness was reimbursed $58.93 for the tryst.

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Strom Thurmond Drafts Bill Prohibiting Telegraph Porn

WASHINGTON, DC–Contending that morse-coded descriptions of improperly petticoated young ladies are undermining the morals of American boys yet in short pants, U.S. Sen. Strom Thurmond (R-SC) proposed legislation Monday banning telegraph porn.

Senator Thurmond

"My friends, this revolutionary new 'Tele-graph' technology, by which messages are transmitted across vast distances via cable wire, is indeed a wondrous device," Thurmond told fellow members of the Senate. "But certain telegraphers–most corrupt and foul telegraphy men indeed–have debased Mr. Morse's code by using its ingenious dots and dashes to transmit porno-graphs describing flagrantly uncorseted womenfolk. I submit to you, gentlemen, that laws be passed to prevent the tele-graph device from becoming a machine of ill repute!"

Thurmond's proposed legislation would establish stiff penalties for the transmission of certain obscene words and phrases along Western Union's telegram and telegraph wires, including "merry-widow," "bosom," and "underthings," as well as prohibit the use of the word "legs" instead of "limbs" when referring to the female anatomy. In certain contexts, the words"disheveled" and "heaving" would also be regarded as violations of the law, with perpetrators subject to fines of $50 or seven years hard labor on the proposed trans-American steam railroad.

"As our nation recovers from the depredations and ruin of the recent War Of Northern Aggression, we must not permit the tele-graph to become the Devil's instrument," said Thurmond, 95. "Mr. Morse's messaging device must not be allowed to corrupt the hearts and minds of the Republic's youths!"

If approved, Thurmond's Providential Purity Of Telegraphical Missives Bill would be the anti-obscenity victory the senator has been seeking since his proposed censorship of the Sears-Roebuck catalog was vetoed by President Eisenhower in 1958.

"We must not let the tele-graph become a tool of Sin," Thurmond said. "Why, just the other day, one of my lady constituents informed me that her son, through an elaborate button-clicking process by which I assume she means the tele-graph, was able to receive all sorts of messages of women cavorting not only with men, but with tribes of blackamoors, instruments of infernal design, and even the beasts of the field. Such foulness must not be tolerated!"

To help prevent youths from having access to telegraph porn, Thurmond is encouraging concerned parents to use a device known as the "V-switch," a V-shaped piece of metal that blocks Morse coding inappropriate for children.

Thurmond reserved his harshest words for the members of Congress who have been critical of his telegraph-porn bill, including Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA).

"I believe that those among my colleagues who have called my idea 'bull-roar' are seeking profitable telegraphy concessions for their home states," Thurmond said. "And I would specifically remind Miss Feinstein that she is merely a territorial representative of the land known as California, and until that savage desert wasteland is granted statehood, her opinions have no bearing on the business of the Union. Furthermore, as a member of the weaker sex, Miss Feinstein should be ashamed that she is forward enough to speak on the very Senate floor! For shame, Miss Feinstein, for shame!"

Concluding his address, Thurmond reiterated that he is not opposed to the telegraph, but merely to its exploitation and misuse by a small handful of individuals.

"I would no more impede the wheels of Progress than I would permit my granddaughter to wed a Red Indian," Thurmond said. "But things have gone too far. Has Providence inspired in us the modern wonder of the tele-graph, only to see it used as a tool for depravity and women of easy leisure? A thousand times no!"

The senator then died.

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