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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Struggling Actress Smiles, Says Vagisil Her Number-One Choice For Fighting Feminine Itch

LOS ANGELES—Struggling actress Heather Pryor, 24, announced Monday that Vagisil is her number-one choice for fighting feminine itch.

Struggling actress Heather Pryor, seen here collecting lilies, says her brand of choice in fighting feminine itch is Vagisil.

"Whether I'm experiencing discomfort caused by vaginal dryness, burning or just mild irritation, Vagisil is the brand I can trust," Pryor, who moved to Los Angeles in 1996 to pursue her lifelong goal of becoming a professional actress, told reporters. "Vagisil—it's fast, effective relief from feminine itching."

Pryor, a 1995 Indiana University graduate with a bachelor's degree in theater, said Vagisil was developed by top gynecologists with a woman's special needs in mind.

"Unlike many competing brands, Vagisil is made by people who understand my needs as a woman," Pryor said during her 30-second pro-Vagisil address, which will air shortly after 8 p.m. EST Saturday during a Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman rerun.

"Its powerful anti-itch ingredients start to work instantly, but Vagisil also contains moisturizers that protect a woman's sensitive skin from redness and chafing," Pryor added. "I like that."

Drawing upon skills honed during years of acting lessons, the woman who hopes to be "the next Meryl Streep" noted that Vagisil contains the strongest medicine of its kind available without a prescription.

"Vagisil is so effective because the soothing, cooling cream works directly on delicate skin to restore comfort—fast," said Pryor, who starred in stage productions of A Doll's House, The Three Sisters, and Oleanna while at Indiana. "No other topical anti-inflammatory ointment works better."

Since moving to Los Angeles, Pryor has been active in numerous causes. In May 1996, she embarked on a campaign to raise awareness of Odor Eaters, praising the shoe inserts as "your foot's best friend." Last year, she adopted a strong pro-Pamprin stance, and she has also been highly outspoken in her support of BedMart, which she called "the bedding store where the people make the difference."

For now, however, Pryor's focus remains on raising Vagisil awareness. "Try Vagisil," she said Monday in a nationally televised appeal to the American people. "Or try Vagisil yeast-itch-control suppositories: Their gentle, effective formula helps eliminate vaginal discharge as it controls odor."

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