Struggling Actress Smiles, Says Vagisil Her Number-One Choice For Fighting Feminine Itch

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Vol 33 Issue 23

Donut-Shaped Thing In Kitchen Junk Drawer Has No Discernible Purpose Whatsoever

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Homeowner Gilbert Voss will be damned if he knows what that donut-shaped plastic thing in his kitchen junk drawer is for, it was reported Monday. "It looks like it goes in a tape dispenser or something," Voss said. "But that doesn't explain the little bumps." Voss' wife Helen speculated that the object may have fallen out of her sewing kit, but is similarly baffled by its function. "I guess you could put threads through the little holes around the rim," she said, "but then what would you do with it?"

You Just Have To Get To Know Area Jerk

PLANO, TX—Insufferable local jerk Frederick Schoepke announced Tuesday that he is a pretty decent guy, once you get to know him and see where he's coming from. "I'm not out to piss people off or anything," Schoepke said. "Once you get to know me, you realize I'm just being honest about things. I'm just the type of guy who doesn't bullshit around, you know? If you're straight with me, I'm straight with you." Schoepke further noted that although he might talk a lot, he knows a lot about a lot of stuff.

Brief Ceremony Marks Delivery Boy's Passage Into Delivery Manhood

FOREST HILLS, NY—A brief ceremony Monday marked Queens delivery boy Richie Crowell's ascension into delivery manhood. "Richie, today you are a delivery man," said Gino's Pizzeria owner Gino Torricelli, who presided over the traditional rite-of-passage ceremony, held on a delivery youth's 16th birthday. "Take these pies to 114-54 Corona Avenue, Apt. 4-G."

Bus Rider Clutching Head In Pain Completely Ignored

DETROIT—Area bus passenger Robert Herndon, clutching his head and rocking back and forth in agonized pain, was utterly ignored by fellow bus passengers Tuesday. The 17 other passengers on the bus employed a variety of tactics in ignoring Herndon, including looking out the window, gazing intently at the bus' advertising placards and staring at their own feet. "This is the C bus, right?" passenger Darryl Frost asked another rider in an effort to appear unaware of the moaning, doubled-over man sitting four seats away from him. "It is? Great."

Bilingual Education Under Fire

On June 2, California voters overwhelmingly passed Proposition 227, a measure eliminating bilingual education programs for millions of Spanish-speaking immigrants. What do you think?

Your Safety Is Our Second Concern

As CEO of Johnson Home Products, manufacturers of quality household appliances and furnishings since 1884, I would like to take a moment to assure you, our valued customer, that your safety is our number-two concern.
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Comedy

Struggling Actress Smiles, Says Vagisil Her Number-One Choice For Fighting Feminine Itch

LOS ANGELES—Struggling actress Heather Pryor, 24, announced Monday that Vagisil is her number-one choice for fighting feminine itch.

Struggling actress Heather Pryor, seen here collecting lilies, says her brand of choice in fighting feminine itch is Vagisil.

"Whether I'm experiencing discomfort caused by vaginal dryness, burning or just mild irritation, Vagisil is the brand I can trust," Pryor, who moved to Los Angeles in 1996 to pursue her lifelong goal of becoming a professional actress, told reporters. "Vagisil—it's fast, effective relief from feminine itching."

Pryor, a 1995 Indiana University graduate with a bachelor's degree in theater, said Vagisil was developed by top gynecologists with a woman's special needs in mind.

"Unlike many competing brands, Vagisil is made by people who understand my needs as a woman," Pryor said during her 30-second pro-Vagisil address, which will air shortly after 8 p.m. EST Saturday during a Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman rerun.

"Its powerful anti-itch ingredients start to work instantly, but Vagisil also contains moisturizers that protect a woman's sensitive skin from redness and chafing," Pryor added. "I like that."

Drawing upon skills honed during years of acting lessons, the woman who hopes to be "the next Meryl Streep" noted that Vagisil contains the strongest medicine of its kind available without a prescription.

"Vagisil is so effective because the soothing, cooling cream works directly on delicate skin to restore comfort—fast," said Pryor, who starred in stage productions of A Doll's House, The Three Sisters, and Oleanna while at Indiana. "No other topical anti-inflammatory ointment works better."

Since moving to Los Angeles, Pryor has been active in numerous causes. In May 1996, she embarked on a campaign to raise awareness of Odor Eaters, praising the shoe inserts as "your foot's best friend." Last year, she adopted a strong pro-Pamprin stance, and she has also been highly outspoken in her support of BedMart, which she called "the bedding store where the people make the difference."

For now, however, Pryor's focus remains on raising Vagisil awareness. "Try Vagisil," she said Monday in a nationally televised appeal to the American people. "Or try Vagisil yeast-itch-control suppositories: Their gentle, effective formula helps eliminate vaginal discharge as it controls odor."

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