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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Struggling American Airlines To Shutter Air Passenger Service To Focus On 'American Way' Magazine

FORT WORTH, TX—Claiming the drain on time and resources involved in operating an airline was preventing them from pursuing their true goals as a publisher, officials at American Airlines announced Tuesday they would discontinue air service in order to concentrate on writing and editing American Way magazine. “Our first love is and always has been our travel and lifestyle magazine—in fact, distributing American Way is the reason we first got into air travel back in 1930,” said former American Airlines CEO and current American Way editor-in-chief Thomas Horton. “Sadly, the publishing industry is changing, and we can no longer afford to use the seat-back pockets of a major international airline to maintain our print circulation. It’s simply not a cost effective way to run our magazine.” The corporate refocusing is expected to be the most influential change to the travel industry since 1991, when Pan Am Airways ceased operations to concentrate on its music career.

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