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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Struggling Arena Football League To Hold Game Outdoors

NEW YORK—In an attempt to invigorate interest in what many see as a niche or novelty sport and thereby broaden their fanbase, Arena Football League Commissioner David Baker announced last Saturday that the March 17 contest between the Colorado Crush and the Dallas Desperados will be held at an outdoor facility. "Once again, the Arena League is on the cutting edge of sport with its newest innovation—football played on an outdoor field with a natural grass surface," said Baker, adding that he hopes the game being broadcast on ESPN2 will raise public awareness for the league. "This is the way arena football was meant to be played." Since they went on sale Monday, a total of three tickets have been sold for the game.

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