adBlockCheck

Recent News

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
End Of Section
  • More News

Struggling High School Cuts Football—Nah, Just Kidding, Art It Is

BROWNSVILLE, PA—Superintendent David Geyer announced Tuesday that due to the high cost of new equipment, regular field maintenance, and rising coaches' salaries, Brownsville High would be forced to shut down its footba—ha, yeah right, the arts program is definitely getting the ax. "I've already informed Coach Mackenzie that recent budget concerns have left us with no other choice but to…okay, all kidding aside, the entire music faculty is fired, effective immediately," Geyer said. "But the arts remain vital to a good education, and if the economy improves, aw, who am I trying to fool? Those programs are gone for good." Geyer then attempted to commend the school's art students for all their hard work, but couldn't keep himself from cracking up.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close