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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Struggling Local Theater Space Put Out Of Its Misery

MN—Refusing to let the dying theater space suffer any longer, compassionate Duluth civic leaders signed legislation Monday euthanizing the Crescent Street Playhouse, which had been fighting to raise awareness of itself throughout virtually all of its 14th year of existence. "We did all we could," said councilman Willard Hogue. "But by the end, that poor theater was just a shell of its former self. It's never easy to look into the eyes of a repertory company and tell it the end is near, but when that moment came, even the cast of True West admitted it was sort of a relief."

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