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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Struggling Marlins Begin Construction On New Stadium

MIAMI—After a disappointing start to their inaugural season in Marlins Park, Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria unveiled plans Friday to build a new waterfront stadium at Mid-Beach, tentatively called Marlins Field. "We made a lot of great memories at Marlins Park, but our fans need a modern facility capable of housing a winning team," said Loria, who expects funding for the project to be approved by the city and county governments. "This is something we can't solve just by renaming the team the Southeastern Miami Marlins, changing our colors to maroon and gold, hiring a new manager, and installing a sculpture of a giant mermaid who dances with six glittering, spinning marlins every time the team hits a home run, though certainly we will do all of those things." Loria said the Marlins will be conducting yet another fire sale to rid themselves of their recently signed star free agents, but added that he hopes the new stadium will be able to draw star free agents to Miami.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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