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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Stuart Scott Tells Friends To 'Watch This' Before Trying To Get Into Charles Barkley's Party

LAS VEGASSportsCenter host Stuart Scott reportedly straightened his shirt collar, tugged twice on the lapels of his sport jacket, smoothed out his eyebrows, and told onlookers to "watch the master" before attempting to gain entry for himself and his colleagues to a party hosted by former NBA All-Star Charles Barkley. "This is how it's done, young'uns," Scott was overheard telling fellow SportsCenter anchors Mike Greenberg and Rece Davis, adding that "when Chuck realizes he almost made Stuart Scott and his peeps wait in line, we'll drink free all night." "Hope you fellas are ready to party." Greenburg and Davis said Scott offered no explanation as to why they were allowed entry to the party while Scott, who attempted to call their cell phones from the parking lot several times before apparently leaving two hours later, was not.

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