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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Stuart Scott's Left Eye Moves To Fox

BRISTOL, CT—In a move that came as little surprise to members of the sports media, ESPN anchor Stuart Scott announced Wednesday that his left eye had signed a lucrative eight-year, $70 million deal with Fox Sports and would report to work within the next month. "Though we did our best to hide it, usually by using thicker than normal glasses, I think people could easily tell that my left eye and I had been going in different personal and professional directions for some time," Scott said during a press conference at which the eye was present, but elected to remain silent throughout, staring off to one side as Scott spoke. "I wish it all the best in its future endeavors." Fox Sports President Ed Goren said he has big plans for the eye, adding that its off-putting and distracting SportsCenter host has been holding it back for far too long.

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