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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Student Reporter Hits It Out Of The Park With 5 Accurate Sentences

TUCSON, AZ—Building on his recent winning streak of two almost correctly transcribed interviews and three basically right lede paragraphs, Arizona Daily Wildcat reporter Josh DeLuca completely knocked it out the park Friday with a story that had five accurate sentences, an achievement editors say has set a new standard for the student-run publication. “Josh absolutely nailed this assignment—we send him out to cover reading requirements at the Honors College and he comes back with a 1,200-word piece that has not one, but five whole sentences presenting factual, accurately reported information,” said Daily Wildcat editor-in-chief Peter Jobanik, adding that the sentence “Dean MacCorquodale said students are expected to have read the book thoroughly before it’s time to discuss them in their seminars” is a “total slam dunk” that doesn’t misspell anyone’s name, incorrectly describe someone’s job position, misattribute a quote to the wrong person, or take a remark completely out of context. “It’s not often you see a reporter who can write multiple sentences that don’t have glaring errors or really odd and confusing phrases you have to read over and over in order to comprehend what, if anything, they are trying to say. But Josh really stepped up to the plate and turned five out of his 63 sentences into something readers can remotely understand. He really raised the bar for the rest of our reporters.” At press time, DeLuca had reportedly scored another home run with a news blurb about campus housing that only mangled two out of his three sources’ quotes.

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