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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Student Reporter Hits It Out Of The Park With 5 Accurate Sentences

TUCSON, AZ—Building on his recent winning streak of two almost correctly transcribed interviews and three basically right lede paragraphs, Arizona Daily Wildcat reporter Josh DeLuca completely knocked it out the park Friday with a story that had five accurate sentences, an achievement editors say has set a new standard for the student-run publication. “Josh absolutely nailed this assignment—we send him out to cover reading requirements at the Honors College and he comes back with a 1,200-word piece that has not one, but five whole sentences presenting factual, accurately reported information,” said Daily Wildcat editor-in-chief Peter Jobanik, adding that the sentence “Dean MacCorquodale said students are expected to have read the book thoroughly before it’s time to discuss them in their seminars” is a “total slam dunk” that doesn’t misspell anyone’s name, incorrectly describe someone’s job position, misattribute a quote to the wrong person, or take a remark completely out of context. “It’s not often you see a reporter who can write multiple sentences that don’t have glaring errors or really odd and confusing phrases you have to read over and over in order to comprehend what, if anything, they are trying to say. But Josh really stepped up to the plate and turned five out of his 63 sentences into something readers can remotely understand. He really raised the bar for the rest of our reporters.” At press time, DeLuca had reportedly scored another home run with a news blurb about campus housing that only mangled two out of his three sources’ quotes.

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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

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