adBlockCheck

Local

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Student Reporter Hits It Out Of The Park With 5 Accurate Sentences

TUCSON, AZ—Building on his recent winning streak of two almost correctly transcribed interviews and three basically right lede paragraphs, Arizona Daily Wildcat reporter Josh DeLuca completely knocked it out the park Friday with a story that had five accurate sentences, an achievement editors say has set a new standard for the student-run publication. “Josh absolutely nailed this assignment—we send him out to cover reading requirements at the Honors College and he comes back with a 1,200-word piece that has not one, but five whole sentences presenting factual, accurately reported information,” said Daily Wildcat editor-in-chief Peter Jobanik, adding that the sentence “Dean MacCorquodale said students are expected to have read the book thoroughly before it’s time to discuss them in their seminars” is a “total slam dunk” that doesn’t misspell anyone’s name, incorrectly describe someone’s job position, misattribute a quote to the wrong person, or take a remark completely out of context. “It’s not often you see a reporter who can write multiple sentences that don’t have glaring errors or really odd and confusing phrases you have to read over and over in order to comprehend what, if anything, they are trying to say. But Josh really stepped up to the plate and turned five out of his 63 sentences into something readers can remotely understand. He really raised the bar for the rest of our reporters.” At press time, DeLuca had reportedly scored another home run with a news blurb about campus housing that only mangled two out of his three sources’ quotes.

More from this section

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close