Student Slacks Off Due to Post-Coital Lethargy

Top Headlines

Energy

5-hour Energy

Beefy Little Boy On Boogie Board Misses Fourth Wave In A Row

GARDEN CITY, SC—Struggling to propel his husky frame through the water with the correct momentum and timing needed to be carried toward shore, a beefy little boy on a boogie board at Garden City Beach reportedly missed his fourth wave in a row Monday afternoon.

2015 Summer Festival Guide

Packed with hundreds of food fairs, concerts, street sales, and movie screenings, summer is the best time of the year for attending festivals across the country. Here are some top festivals to look forward to this summer in cities around the nation:

Cat Refuses To Die

SOMERVILLE, MA—"He's a sweet old guy, and he's been through a lot," said Brian Pressman, 33, who received the cat as a birthday present during middle school. "But no matter how weak he seems or how many times he's diagnosed with something fatal, he just keeps bouncing back. Every single time."
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Energy

5-hour Energy

Student Slacks Off Due to Post-Coital Lethargy

It’s been more than a little sluggish around university senior Eric Wheeler’s apartment these days. Work isn’t getting done. Classes are being skipped. And assignments have piled up. And all for good reason.

Now that he is having sex on a consistent basis, student Eric Wheeler does little else but sit around the house and sleep.

For the first time in 16 months, Wheeler is engaging in sexual intercourse. The sudden burst of sexual energy has drained him of his motivation for all other pursuits—not that he’s complaining.

“I’m having a hard time getting interested in anything else these days,” Wheeler says from his couch, wearing nothing but sweatpants and a sweatshirt. “It’s 3 p.m. right now and I haven’t done a thing all day—except of course have sex this morning. That was excellent.”

He has not attended a morning lecture since he and Scrole consummated their physical relationship last month, and is in danger of failing two other classes for which he has neglected to hand in papers. When he does go to class, he doesn’t take notes, nor does he participate in discussion sections.

Says Wheeler: “I’m getting some action.”

While girlfriend Debbie Scrole has seemingly had no trouble adjusting to an active sex life, Wheeler can only sit around, nap on the couch, and occasionally get up to prepare a can of ravioli, which he has taken to eating right out of the can rather than preparing it on the stove.

Wheeler had spent the past year and a half listlessly dating and finding sexual satisfaction only through masturbation—a habit in which he had been indulging in with alarming frequency. His lack of sexual activity did, however, contribute to a marked improvement in his academic perfromance. He earned a 3.4 grade point average during the three semesters he was not engaging in intercourse. Before that, when he was having an on-again off-again relationship with his upstairs neighbor Amy, his GPA was 2.7.

“Eric needs to not let sex be the only determining factor in his academic studies,” says Dr. Patricia Molling, associate dean of academic affairs. “While we have made exceptions in the past for those who have endured lengthy dry spells, there’s usually a two-year minimum before it makes it to my desk.”

At his current pace, Wheeler will earn a 1.9 GPA, an all-time low for a student who was once called “promising” by an undergraduate advisor. Others in the university administration see this radical drop-off in performance as a major strike against graduate school acceptance. Admissions officers across the nation will only acknowledge post-coital lethargy with trepidation.

“Only the most forgiving of admissions officials would look past such a drop-off,” says Lynn Fulton, Emory University’s Dean of Admissions. “But if Mr. Wheeler did apply here, we would of course factor in the reason for the bad grades, like we do with other extraordinary circumstances, like family tragedy and life-threatening sickness.”

Experts anticipate that once the novelty of the sexual activity wears off, Wheeler will regain academic focus—if it isn’t too late. Failing more than two classes would put Wheeler on academic probation—meaning suspension for a semester. Scrole, who claims to be energized, not drained, by the intercourse, doesn’t think it will go that far.

“He has already gone from two to three times a night to one or two,” she says.

Next Story

Energy Video