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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Students Can’t Believe They’re Actually Sitting In Class With Denison University Starting Quarterback Luke Pavlatos

GRANVILLE, OH—In what many described as “pretty incredible,” students at Denison University expressed disbelief Friday after realizing they were actually sitting in the same English 225 class as none other than the school’s starting quarterback, Luke Pavlatos. “Holy shit, Pav is here,” said sophomore Jared Stasio, who admitted it was difficult to fathom that he was sitting just two seats away from the very quarterback who commands Big Red at Piper Field. “Oh my God, number 8. He’s taking a class just like us. I can’t believe that they even make him go to class. I mean you hear his name all the time and I guess you forget he’s still a regular student like everybody else. I just hope I don't say anything stupid in front of him.” At press time, the students confirmed that despite being the “King of Denison,” Pavlatos was “so down to earth.”

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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