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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Studio Admits Entire Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Just Marketing Campaign For 'You Don't Mess With The Zohan' That Got Out Of Hand

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Columbia Pictures president Doug Belgrad admitted Monday that the decades-old Israeli-Palestinian conflict was merely a promotional gimmick for the 2008 Adam Sandler vehicle You Don't Mess With The Zohan that spun a little out of control. "They knew a comedy this big was going to need a big marketing hook, so back in '47, our guys called some people at the U.N., and next thing you know we had ourselves an ethnic conflict that turned into a nice little return at the box office," Belgrad told reporters, adding that the comedy about an Israeli Mossad agent who fakes his own death to become a hairdresser in New York cost $90 million and several thousand lives. "In retrospect, we should have maybe dialed back on the Six-Day War, but we needed somewhere to anchor that Fizzy Bubbeleh joke. You can't buy press like that." Belgrad added that the film's highly anticipated sequel will involve Iran.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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