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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Studio Admits Entire Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Just Marketing Campaign For 'You Don't Mess With The Zohan' That Got Out Of Hand

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Columbia Pictures president Doug Belgrad admitted Monday that the decades-old Israeli-Palestinian conflict was merely a promotional gimmick for the 2008 Adam Sandler vehicle You Don't Mess With The Zohan that spun a little out of control. "They knew a comedy this big was going to need a big marketing hook, so back in '47, our guys called some people at the U.N., and next thing you know we had ourselves an ethnic conflict that turned into a nice little return at the box office," Belgrad told reporters, adding that the comedy about an Israeli Mossad agent who fakes his own death to become a hairdresser in New York cost $90 million and several thousand lives. "In retrospect, we should have maybe dialed back on the Six-Day War, but we needed somewhere to anchor that Fizzy Bubbeleh joke. You can't buy press like that." Belgrad added that the film's highly anticipated sequel will involve Iran.

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