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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Study: 38 Age It Too Late

BALTIMORE—After years of observing people in their late 30s to early 40s, researchers at Johns Hopkins University have determined that once an individual reaches 38 years of age it is too late to make any meaningful life changes. "Our analysis indicates that if people turn 38 before getting the job they always wanted, meeting that special someone with whom they can settle down, or accepting themselves for who they are, they never will," said study coordinator Dr. Erik Heuer, adding that those who haven't "figured things out" by their late 30s die sad, miserable, and alone 100 percent of the time. "In order to bolster our findings, we observed several subjects ages 38 and above who attempted to finally resolve their troubled relationship with a parent or write that novel that's been kicking around in their head, and the results were, well, very sad to say the least." The study has been criticized in peer-review by multiple scientists aged 38 and older, many of whom said they are going to yoga and learning Korean cooking and that it's really going quite well.

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