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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Study: 38 Age It Too Late

BALTIMORE—After years of observing people in their late 30s to early 40s, researchers at Johns Hopkins University have determined that once an individual reaches 38 years of age it is too late to make any meaningful life changes. "Our analysis indicates that if people turn 38 before getting the job they always wanted, meeting that special someone with whom they can settle down, or accepting themselves for who they are, they never will," said study coordinator Dr. Erik Heuer, adding that those who haven't "figured things out" by their late 30s die sad, miserable, and alone 100 percent of the time. "In order to bolster our findings, we observed several subjects ages 38 and above who attempted to finally resolve their troubled relationship with a parent or write that novel that's been kicking around in their head, and the results were, well, very sad to say the least." The study has been criticized in peer-review by multiple scientists aged 38 and older, many of whom said they are going to yoga and learning Korean cooking and that it's really going quite well.

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