adBlockCheck

Recent News

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
End Of Section
  • More News

Study: 63% Of All Human Speech Occurs Under Breath

WASHINGTON—According to a study released Thursday by the Center for Applied Linguistics, nearly two-thirds of all human speech transpires under people’s breath. “Our data indicates that, whether in the form of hushed grumbles of anger, a half-delivered retort, or quiet self-berating, the majority of all spoken language is delivered in barely audible mutters,” said researcher Erin Wightman, adding that a sizable quantity of all human vocalizations are imperceptible insults made while walking away from an argument, a meeting with one’s supervisor, or a pleasant conversation with someone that the speaker simply does not care for. “We found that many people will whisper to themselves at night about mistakes made earlier in the day, while others will pepper in low-volume sarcastic comments while interacting with coworkers or family members. The sheer number of words that are spoken for no one else’s benefit is astounding.” Wightman then went on to make a muffled, half-intelligible comment about both her fellow researchers and the gathered members of the press.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close