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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Study: 63% Of All Human Speech Occurs Under Breath

WASHINGTON—According to a study released Thursday by the Center for Applied Linguistics, nearly two-thirds of all human speech transpires under people’s breath. “Our data indicates that, whether in the form of hushed grumbles of anger, a half-delivered retort, or quiet self-berating, the majority of all spoken language is delivered in barely audible mutters,” said researcher Erin Wightman, adding that a sizable quantity of all human vocalizations are imperceptible insults made while walking away from an argument, a meeting with one’s supervisor, or a pleasant conversation with someone that the speaker simply does not care for. “We found that many people will whisper to themselves at night about mistakes made earlier in the day, while others will pepper in low-volume sarcastic comments while interacting with coworkers or family members. The sheer number of words that are spoken for no one else’s benefit is astounding.” Wightman then went on to make a muffled, half-intelligible comment about both her fellow researchers and the gathered members of the press.

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