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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Study: 73% Of Bedroom Closets Have Wife’s Boy Toy Crouched Naked Inside

ITHACA, NY—According to a Cornell University study released Wednesday, nearly three in four bedroom closets in U.S. family residences currently contain the wife’s naked, crouching boy toy. “After examining more than 20,000 closets nationwide, we found that a full 73 percent of them are presently occupied by a young pool boy, landscaper, or teenage neighbor who is peering through the door slats either fully nude or in hastily donned boxer shorts,” read the 40-page report, which confirmed that each one of the boy toys is, at this moment, hiding among the husband’s hanging dress shirts while attempting to remain completely motionless and control the volume of his breathing. “Also, in over 90 percent of these cases, we found that the cowering swain is looking on wide-eyed as the negligee-clad wife scrambles to assume a seated position on the bed and give the appearance that she’s just casually flipping through a magazine on her nightstand.” The study went on to note that the remaining 27 percent of the nation’s bedroom closets contain the husband’s boy toy.

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