adBlockCheck

Study: 83% Of Gamblers Quit Right Before They Would Have Hit The Big One

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Study: 83% Of Gamblers Quit Right Before They Would Have Hit The Big One

A new study says a majority of gamblers walk away from the table right before becoming millionaires.
A new study says a majority of gamblers walk away from the table right before becoming millionaires.

WASHINGTON—According to a study published Monday in the Journal Of Financial Economics, 83 percent of gamblers quit right before hitting the jackpot and striking it rich.

Lead researcher, Dr. Richard Howe of the University of Chicago, confirmed that 83 percent of gamblers recklessly opted to walk away from blackjack tables, slot machines, roulette wheels, and other games of chance, when they were just one big bet away from winning a massive fortune.

“Our research revealed that the vast majority of gamblers who chose not to continue wagering their money on games of chance would have, in fact, hit the big one on the very next try,” said Howe, who analyzed over 5,000 casual to heavy gamblers for the study. “This was equally true for beginners who quit playing slots after their very first visit to a casino and for high rollers who gave up gambling altogether to avoid financial ruin.”

“These people weren’t only quitters, they were downright fools,” added Howe. “Statistics repeatedly showed that if they had just reached into their wallets one more time, these men and women would have been set for life with more than enough money to pay down debts, create trust funds for their children, and retire from their jobs in ease and comfort.”

Howe told reporters that the majority of gamblers prematurely, and unwisely, choose to stop gambling due to fears of jeopardizing personal relationships, thereby sabotaging any chance at scoring the big bonanza that awaits them on the very next deal. In addition, researchers said that players cleaned up 100 percent of the time when they continued to place bets and ignored any lingering anxieties about accruing insurmountable debt or destroying their kids’ college funds.

The study, which analyzed data collected from major casinos across the country, confirmed that the moment a gambler becomes exasperated and realizes they can’t continue throwing money away is precisely when they should double down and desperately dip into retirement accounts, drain the cash value from life insurance policies, or pawn prized family heirlooms.

Professor James Gordon, who co-authored the study, said that most gamblers make rash decisions to walk away from an electronic gaming device or craps table after losing their last dollar, failing to realize that the odds are overwhelmingly in their favor if they simply overdraft their savings account just one more time.

“What gamblers as a whole need to realize is that, statistically speaking, their fear of going bust is ludicrous and absurd, and they really need to just go for it, and go for it hard—I’m talking all in here,” said Gordon, adding that gamblers could maintain control over their destiny and hit the big one much faster by increasing the frequency and monetary value of wagers. “Because the payoff is just tremendous. Hell, our research shows they’re walking away from the table right when they stand to make millions. Don’t they want to be rich?”

Researchers have also concluded that going all in on red when you’re down to your last few chips is an effective way of earning money 100 percent of the time.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close