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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

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ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

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Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

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Study: 83% Of Gamblers Quit Right Before They Would Have Hit The Big One

A new study says a majority of gamblers walk away from the table right before becoming millionaires.
A new study says a majority of gamblers walk away from the table right before becoming millionaires.

WASHINGTON—According to a study published Monday in the Journal Of Financial Economics, 83 percent of gamblers quit right before hitting the jackpot and striking it rich.

Lead researcher, Dr. Richard Howe of the University of Chicago, confirmed that 83 percent of gamblers recklessly opted to walk away from blackjack tables, slot machines, roulette wheels, and other games of chance, when they were just one big bet away from winning a massive fortune.

“Our research revealed that the vast majority of gamblers who chose not to continue wagering their money on games of chance would have, in fact, hit the big one on the very next try,” said Howe, who analyzed over 5,000 casual to heavy gamblers for the study. “This was equally true for beginners who quit playing slots after their very first visit to a casino and for high rollers who gave up gambling altogether to avoid financial ruin.”

“These people weren’t only quitters, they were downright fools,” added Howe. “Statistics repeatedly showed that if they had just reached into their wallets one more time, these men and women would have been set for life with more than enough money to pay down debts, create trust funds for their children, and retire from their jobs in ease and comfort.”

Howe told reporters that the majority of gamblers prematurely, and unwisely, choose to stop gambling due to fears of jeopardizing personal relationships, thereby sabotaging any chance at scoring the big bonanza that awaits them on the very next deal. In addition, researchers said that players cleaned up 100 percent of the time when they continued to place bets and ignored any lingering anxieties about accruing insurmountable debt or destroying their kids’ college funds.

The study, which analyzed data collected from major casinos across the country, confirmed that the moment a gambler becomes exasperated and realizes they can’t continue throwing money away is precisely when they should double down and desperately dip into retirement accounts, drain the cash value from life insurance policies, or pawn prized family heirlooms.

Professor James Gordon, who co-authored the study, said that most gamblers make rash decisions to walk away from an electronic gaming device or craps table after losing their last dollar, failing to realize that the odds are overwhelmingly in their favor if they simply overdraft their savings account just one more time.

“What gamblers as a whole need to realize is that, statistically speaking, their fear of going bust is ludicrous and absurd, and they really need to just go for it, and go for it hard—I’m talking all in here,” said Gordon, adding that gamblers could maintain control over their destiny and hit the big one much faster by increasing the frequency and monetary value of wagers. “Because the payoff is just tremendous. Hell, our research shows they’re walking away from the table right when they stand to make millions. Don’t they want to be rich?”

Researchers have also concluded that going all in on red when you’re down to your last few chips is an effective way of earning money 100 percent of the time.

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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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