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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Study: 83% Of Web Content Unfit For Human Consumption

GAINESVILLE, FL—Warning about the dangers of prolonged exposure to toxic text, graphics, and videos, a study released Thursday by the University of Florida found that 83 percent of web content is wholly unfit for human consumption. “Our data showed that the vast majority of online material proved to be fetid, noxious, or otherwise detrimental to an individual’s well-being,” said the study’s lead researcher, Jenny Pridham, who recorded hundreds of extremely adverse reactions among adults who made direct contact with one or more pieces of entertainment news, lists, advertisements, or viral content. “Participants typically reported feeling mild irritation to severe discomfort and even intense nausea. The research determined that even content that may at first seem palatable is not good for you, as it often contains dangerous byproducts in the form of harmful autoplaying video and sponsored links to partner websites.” The study also revealed that zero percent of internet content was currently considered suitable for children and could lead to lifelong cognitive defects.

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