Study: 87 Percent Of Movies Would Be Better With Michael Keaton In Them

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Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

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ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

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ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

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Famous Television Finales

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Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...

Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film

LOS ANGELES—Saying the methodology helps them ensure unbiased results in their marketing research, studio executives at Paramount Pictures confirmed that during a Hollywood test screening this week they showed half of all theatergoers a placebo film...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 6, 2015

ARIES: One of the worst moments of a person's life is when they finally realize that they're mortal and are going to die, especially when it's a person like you who only sees the cement truck at the last second.

A Timeline Of Upcoming Superhero Movies

Following the massive successes of the Spider-Man, Batman, Avengers, and X-Men franchises, studios Marvel and DC Entertainment have announced as many as 40 upcoming superhero movies to be released over the next six years ...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

TV Show Under Fire For Depicting Murder

LOS ANGELES—In what is being described as perhaps the most shocking and distasteful moment in broadcast history, the popular primetime television show Criminal Minds is facing heavy criticism today for airing an episode that depicted the act ...
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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Study: 87 Percent Of Movies Would Be Better With Michael Keaton In Them

LOS ANGELES—According to a comprehensive study released this week by researchers at UCLA, 87 percent of feature-length motion pictures would be significantly improved by the addition of 59-year-old film and television actor Michael Keaton.

Experts say adding even a few seconds of Michael Keaton would substantially improve most films.

The report, which gathered film data and survey results over a 12-year period, found that simply by adding Michael Keaton—either in a showy, leading-man part; a delicious, scene-stealing supporting role; or even an unexpected but heartily welcome cameo appearance—nearly 9 in 10 films would rate as at least "better," and in many cases "much better."

"According to our results, the mere presence of Michael Keaton acts as a catalyst by which the quality of a film rises exponentially in relation to his screen time," said lead researcher Dr. Jonathan Scott, who has been studying Keaton intensively since the actor's appearance in the 1982 comedy Night Shift. "Ninety-three percent of comedies would be improved by the addition of his manic, live-wire energy, while a full 72 percent of dramatic features would benefit from his surprisingly adept touch with tender characterizations."

"Overall, we were impressed by these results, although one can hardly call them surprising," Scott continued. "I mean, of course these films would be better. It's Michael Keaton."

After observing how Michael Keaton made the otherwise unwatchable films Jack Frost and My Life 58 percent more watchable, researchers said they determined that 100 percent of films of equal or lesser quality would have experienced similar results if Michael Keaton had been cast in them.

In addition, a film's genre had no noticeable effect on the results, with the report concluding that Michael Keaton is equally at home in blockbuster action films like Batman, broad farces like Johnny Dangerously, and emotionally harrowing films like Clean And Sober.

Further analysis found that the film The Hunt for Red October would have been 31 percent more solid with Michael Keaton in the Alec Baldwin role.

"The remarkable versatility of Michael Keaton was a key factor in the resulting data," said Scott, gesturing to a screen behind him playing Michael Keaton's famous "wubby" speech from the 1983 film Mr. Mom. "In fact, his mastery of his craft posed a series of further questions to our team: questions such as, 'Is there any role that Michael Keaton can't play?' and 'Why is Michael Keaton not being utilized more in movies these days?'"

Another significant finding was that many classic films heretofore believed to be impossible to improve upon—including Citizen Kane, The Seven Samurai, The Battleship Potemkin, and Pinocchio—would actually be enhanced substantially by an on-screen appearance by Michael Keaton in some capacity, if only for a few precious moments.

"We determined that if Charlie Chaplin had simply turned the camera on Michael Keaton for five minutes in City Lights and just let him go wild like in Beetlejuice, then that film would be at least 12 percent stronger than it is now," said Scott, adding that Michael Keaton's work as a psychotic killer in Pacific Heights proves he also would have considerably aided Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho. "And a majority of movies double in quality if, while watching them, the viewer imagines the way Michael Keaton would deliver a given character's lines."

"Conventional wisdom would tell us that these figures are impossible, as Michael Keaton is far from being some great Shakespearean actor," Scott continued. "But that's where conventional wisdom is wrong: Michael Keaton is a great Shakespearean actor. He played Dogberry in Kenneth Branagh's adaptation of Much Ado About Nothing and he crushed it— just knocked it right out of the park. "

Researchers concluded their remarks by claiming that a number of films already featuring Michael Keaton, including Jackie Brown, The Dream Team, and The Other Guys, would have greatly benefited from the insertion of even more Michael Keaton into certain scenes, preferably every scene.

In response to the UCLA team's announcement, actor Michael Keaton downplayed the findings.

"Okay, you guys," said Keaton, instantly making a newspaper article better simply by appearing briefly and uttering a few words. "Settle down."

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