How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Study: 87 Percent Of Movies Would Be Better With Michael Keaton In Them

LOS ANGELES—According to a comprehensive study released this week by researchers at UCLA, 87 percent of feature-length motion pictures would be significantly improved by the addition of 59-year-old film and television actor Michael Keaton.

Experts say adding even a few seconds of Michael Keaton would substantially improve most films.

The report, which gathered film data and survey results over a 12-year period, found that simply by adding Michael Keaton—either in a showy, leading-man part; a delicious, scene-stealing supporting role; or even an unexpected but heartily welcome cameo appearance—nearly 9 in 10 films would rate as at least "better," and in many cases "much better."

"According to our results, the mere presence of Michael Keaton acts as a catalyst by which the quality of a film rises exponentially in relation to his screen time," said lead researcher Dr. Jonathan Scott, who has been studying Keaton intensively since the actor's appearance in the 1982 comedy Night Shift. "Ninety-three percent of comedies would be improved by the addition of his manic, live-wire energy, while a full 72 percent of dramatic features would benefit from his surprisingly adept touch with tender characterizations."

"Overall, we were impressed by these results, although one can hardly call them surprising," Scott continued. "I mean, of course these films would be better. It's Michael Keaton."

After observing how Michael Keaton made the otherwise unwatchable films Jack Frost and My Life 58 percent more watchable, researchers said they determined that 100 percent of films of equal or lesser quality would have experienced similar results if Michael Keaton had been cast in them.

In addition, a film's genre had no noticeable effect on the results, with the report concluding that Michael Keaton is equally at home in blockbuster action films like Batman, broad farces like Johnny Dangerously, and emotionally harrowing films like Clean And Sober.

Further analysis found that the film The Hunt for Red October would have been 31 percent more solid with Michael Keaton in the Alec Baldwin role.

"The remarkable versatility of Michael Keaton was a key factor in the resulting data," said Scott, gesturing to a screen behind him playing Michael Keaton's famous "wubby" speech from the 1983 film Mr. Mom. "In fact, his mastery of his craft posed a series of further questions to our team: questions such as, 'Is there any role that Michael Keaton can't play?' and 'Why is Michael Keaton not being utilized more in movies these days?'"

Another significant finding was that many classic films heretofore believed to be impossible to improve upon—including Citizen Kane, The Seven Samurai, The Battleship Potemkin, and Pinocchio—would actually be enhanced substantially by an on-screen appearance by Michael Keaton in some capacity, if only for a few precious moments.

"We determined that if Charlie Chaplin had simply turned the camera on Michael Keaton for five minutes in City Lights and just let him go wild like in Beetlejuice, then that film would be at least 12 percent stronger than it is now," said Scott, adding that Michael Keaton's work as a psychotic killer in Pacific Heights proves he also would have considerably aided Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho. "And a majority of movies double in quality if, while watching them, the viewer imagines the way Michael Keaton would deliver a given character's lines."

"Conventional wisdom would tell us that these figures are impossible, as Michael Keaton is far from being some great Shakespearean actor," Scott continued. "But that's where conventional wisdom is wrong: Michael Keaton is a great Shakespearean actor. He played Dogberry in Kenneth Branagh's adaptation of Much Ado About Nothing and he crushed it— just knocked it right out of the park. "

Researchers concluded their remarks by claiming that a number of films already featuring Michael Keaton, including Jackie Brown, The Dream Team, and The Other Guys, would have greatly benefited from the insertion of even more Michael Keaton into certain scenes, preferably every scene.

In response to the UCLA team's announcement, actor Michael Keaton downplayed the findings.

"Okay, you guys," said Keaton, instantly making a newspaper article better simply by appearing briefly and uttering a few words. "Settle down."

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