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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Study: 90% Of Plane Landings Just Barely Pulled Off

WASHINGTON—According to a new study published by the National Transportation Safety Board, 90 percent of successful plane landings are "this close" to ending with the aircraft pinwheeling down the runway and exploding into a fireball of twisted metal and charred flesh. "We found that when passengers think they're hearing the landing gear being lowered, that's actually the sound of the plane's fuselage coming apart at the seams as the flight-control system fails," said NTSB chairwoman Deborah Hersman, adding how remarkable it is that the wheels don't break off immediately after making contact with the tarmac. "Further, when the plane lands, every bump, big or small, basically means the pilots are fighting with all their might to prevent the aircraft from crashing into the airport terminal." The study found that in nearly all cockpit recordings, the last few moments before touchdown are filled with the pilots screaming for their lives, praying to God, or trying to say one final goodbye to a loved one.

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