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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Study: 90% Of Plane Landings Just Barely Pulled Off

WASHINGTON—According to a new study published by the National Transportation Safety Board, 90 percent of successful plane landings are "this close" to ending with the aircraft pinwheeling down the runway and exploding into a fireball of twisted metal and charred flesh. "We found that when passengers think they're hearing the landing gear being lowered, that's actually the sound of the plane's fuselage coming apart at the seams as the flight-control system fails," said NTSB chairwoman Deborah Hersman, adding how remarkable it is that the wheels don't break off immediately after making contact with the tarmac. "Further, when the plane lands, every bump, big or small, basically means the pilots are fighting with all their might to prevent the aircraft from crashing into the airport terminal." The study found that in nearly all cockpit recordings, the last few moments before touchdown are filled with the pilots screaming for their lives, praying to God, or trying to say one final goodbye to a loved one.

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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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