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Study: 90% Of Workplace Injuries Caused By Bare-Knuckle Boxing

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Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Study: 90% Of Workplace Injuries Caused By Bare-Knuckle Boxing

CHAMPAIGN, IL—Researchers from the University of Illinois released a new study of occupational hazards Wednesday revealing that 90 percent of workplace injuries in the United States are caused by bare-knuckle boxing. “According to our data, roughly nine of every 10 injuries that occur on the job stem from incidents in which two employees stand up from their desks, roll up their sleeves, clench their raised hands in fists, and then circle each other before unleashing a barrage of gloveless blows,” said lead researcher Carol Skelton, adding that, while fisticuffs-related bruises, cuts, and bone fractures most often occur in large, open areas like lobbies and conference rooms, it was not uncommon for impromptu slugfests to break out in kitchenettes, server rooms, or between rows of cubicles. “Additionally, we found that the most severe instances of bodily harm in offices typically transpire when one worker has another pinned up against a whiteboard or printing station and is pummeling them with a brutal combination of vicious jabs and hooks. While employers can’t eliminate all workplace injuries, they can take common-sense measures to reduce them by strictly limiting rounds to three minutes each.” The study also found that nearly 100 hours of productivity are lost each year to employees crowding around pairs of sparring coworkers and shouting bets.

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