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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Study: All Of Your Memories Implanted In You 5 Minutes Ago When Universe Was Created

WASHINGTON—Challenging years of research examining the cognitive and biological processes underlying human memory, a new study by researchers at Georgetown University has found that all experiences of the past stored in a person’s mind are in fact information artificially implanted five minutes ago when our universe was first created. “Previous studies suggest that human memories are created over time through the formation of neuronal connections enhanced and strengthened through meaningful association, but our research suggests that all of our perceptions of the past, including recollections of important life milestones and learned knowledge of events in human history, were in fact inserted into our brains at the universe’s moment of creation a little more than five minutes ago—five minutes and 13 seconds ago, to be exact,” lead researcher Dr. John Isherwood said of the study’s findings, which, like all cognitive research he and his team believed they had conducted in the past, was manufactured and implanted in his brain just over 300 seconds ago when the cosmos and all its contents—and, indeed, all of existence itself—first came into being. “In fact, everything we remember or know of the past—including loving memories of family and friends, families and friendships themselves, the assassination of John F. Kennedy, the Industrial Revolution, the Roman Empire, Stonehenge, the Cretaceous Era, the Big Bang—never happened at all, and are in fact artificial impressions of reality implanted into our minds by an unknown entity, or entities, shortly before I just now began presenting the results of this study.” Researchers added that they are confident the study’s findings will help shape prevailing scientific thought on cognitive and brain processes in the future until the end of the universe, which is projected to occur approximately three minutes from now.

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