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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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Study: All Of Your Memories Implanted In You 5 Minutes Ago When Universe Was Created

WASHINGTON—Challenging years of research examining the cognitive and biological processes underlying human memory, a new study by researchers at Georgetown University has found that all experiences of the past stored in a person’s mind are in fact information artificially implanted five minutes ago when our universe was first created. “Previous studies suggest that human memories are created over time through the formation of neuronal connections enhanced and strengthened through meaningful association, but our research suggests that all of our perceptions of the past, including recollections of important life milestones and learned knowledge of events in human history, were in fact inserted into our brains at the universe’s moment of creation a little more than five minutes ago—five minutes and 13 seconds ago, to be exact,” lead researcher Dr. John Isherwood said of the study’s findings, which, like all cognitive research he and his team believed they had conducted in the past, was manufactured and implanted in his brain just over 300 seconds ago when the cosmos and all its contents—and, indeed, all of existence itself—first came into being. “In fact, everything we remember or know of the past—including loving memories of family and friends, families and friendships themselves, the assassination of John F. Kennedy, the Industrial Revolution, the Roman Empire, Stonehenge, the Cretaceous Era, the Big Bang—never happened at all, and are in fact artificial impressions of reality implanted into our minds by an unknown entity, or entities, shortly before I just now began presenting the results of this study.” Researchers added that they are confident the study’s findings will help shape prevailing scientific thought on cognitive and brain processes in the future until the end of the universe, which is projected to occur approximately three minutes from now.

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Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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