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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Study: American Spiritual Epiphanies Increasingly Juice-Based

LOS ANGELES—American spiritual epiphanies are becoming increasingly juice-based, according to a report released Tuesday by the UCLA Department of Theology. "In the past, spiritual awakenings usually revolved around religious faith or personal convictions," the report read. "But today, Americans are turning to the healing and enriching power of such tea and fruit-juice blends as Fruitopia 'Strawberry-Passion Awareness' and Sobe's 'Wisdom' and 'Zen Blend,' for their spiritual fulfillment." Following the report, Ocean Spray announced plans for a line of Zoroastrian grape-cranberry blends.

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