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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Study: American Spiritual Epiphanies Increasingly Juice-Based

LOS ANGELES—American spiritual epiphanies are becoming increasingly juice-based, according to a report released Tuesday by the UCLA Department of Theology. "In the past, spiritual awakenings usually revolved around religious faith or personal convictions," the report read. "But today, Americans are turning to the healing and enriching power of such tea and fruit-juice blends as Fruitopia 'Strawberry-Passion Awareness' and Sobe's 'Wisdom' and 'Zen Blend,' for their spiritual fulfillment." Following the report, Ocean Spray announced plans for a line of Zoroastrian grape-cranberry blends.

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