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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Study: Average American Has Over 9 Million Imagined Sexual Partners In Lifetime

CHICAGO—According to a study published this week in the American Journal Of Sociology, the average American has intercourse with upwards of 9 million imagined sexual partners over the course of his or her lifetime. “From their teenage years onward, most individuals have hundreds of thousands of fantasized sexual partners every year, beginning with attractive teachers and classmates, and eventually expanding to wholly dreamt-up relations with good-looking coworkers or people on the subway,” said lead researcher Kevin Douglas, adding that even married individuals had upwards of 4 million completely imagined sexual partners outside of wedlock. “And the factor of age is minimal, as people well into their golden years were more than capable of sexual intercourse with dozens of partners in their mind every single day.” Douglas added that a significant proportion of Americans also conjured up sexual relations with two or more partners simultaneously 2.5 million times.

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