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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Study: Average American Has Over 9 Million Imagined Sexual Partners In Lifetime

CHICAGO—According to a study published this week in the American Journal Of Sociology, the average American has intercourse with upwards of 9 million imagined sexual partners over the course of his or her lifetime. “From their teenage years onward, most individuals have hundreds of thousands of fantasized sexual partners every year, beginning with attractive teachers and classmates, and eventually expanding to wholly dreamt-up relations with good-looking coworkers or people on the subway,” said lead researcher Kevin Douglas, adding that even married individuals had upwards of 4 million completely imagined sexual partners outside of wedlock. “And the factor of age is minimal, as people well into their golden years were more than capable of sexual intercourse with dozens of partners in their mind every single day.” Douglas added that a significant proportion of Americans also conjured up sexual relations with two or more partners simultaneously 2.5 million times.

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