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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Study: Average American Has Over 9 Million Imagined Sexual Partners In Lifetime

CHICAGO—According to a study published this week in the American Journal Of Sociology, the average American has intercourse with upwards of 9 million imagined sexual partners over the course of his or her lifetime. “From their teenage years onward, most individuals have hundreds of thousands of fantasized sexual partners every year, beginning with attractive teachers and classmates, and eventually expanding to wholly dreamt-up relations with good-looking coworkers or people on the subway,” said lead researcher Kevin Douglas, adding that even married individuals had upwards of 4 million completely imagined sexual partners outside of wedlock. “And the factor of age is minimal, as people well into their golden years were more than capable of sexual intercourse with dozens of partners in their mind every single day.” Douglas added that a significant proportion of Americans also conjured up sexual relations with two or more partners simultaneously 2.5 million times.

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