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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
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Study: Average American Now Requires 3 Attempts To Get Up From Seated Position

BETHESDA, MD—A study published Monday by the National Institutes of Health found that the typical American now requires three distinct attempts to raise themselves from a seated position. “Between shifting in a chair, placing both hands on the chair’s armrests and heaving themselves up, or simply tilting their bodies forward and using momentum, Americans have to perform an average of three unique movements before they are able to rise to a standing position,” said NIH lead researcher Helen Glaser of the study that observed thousands of U.S. citizens attempting to get up from couches, recliners, park benches, car passenger seats, movie theater seats, and restaurant booths, adding that most Americans also required 60 to 90 seconds to recover between exertions. “While some Americans were able to get to their feet in just two stages, others simply abandoned their efforts to stand altogether and remained seated indefinitely.” The report also found that once standing, Americans could resume a seated position in a single fluid motion.

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