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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Study: Average American Now Requires 3 Attempts To Get Up From Seated Position

BETHESDA, MD—A study published Monday by the National Institutes of Health found that the typical American now requires three distinct attempts to raise themselves from a seated position. “Between shifting in a chair, placing both hands on the chair’s armrests and heaving themselves up, or simply tilting their bodies forward and using momentum, Americans have to perform an average of three unique movements before they are able to rise to a standing position,” said NIH lead researcher Helen Glaser of the study that observed thousands of U.S. citizens attempting to get up from couches, recliners, park benches, car passenger seats, movie theater seats, and restaurant booths, adding that most Americans also required 60 to 90 seconds to recover between exertions. “While some Americans were able to get to their feet in just two stages, others simply abandoned their efforts to stand altogether and remained seated indefinitely.” The report also found that once standing, Americans could resume a seated position in a single fluid motion.

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