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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Study: Average American Tries Getting Out Of 10,000 Things Each Year

EVANSTON, IL—A new study out this week from psychologists at Northwestern University has calculated that Americans attempt to evade an average of 10,000 social engagements, family obligations, and other commitments every year. “Whether it’s taking their car in for maintenance, helping a friend move, saving for retirement, or washing the dishes, the majority of U.S. residents try to back out of at least 27 things a day, or more than one obligation per hour,” the study’s authors wrote in the Journal Of Interpersonal Dynamics, noting that citizens spend an average of 30 hours per week mentally devising ways to dodge commitments they’ve already made. “Americans work tirelessly at getting out of things, even when it’s something they themselves planned, such as a doctor’s appointment, a drink with a friend, or a meeting at work. Indeed, backpedaling is among the most common actions that Americans perform on a daily basis.” Despite the fact that citizens try to get out of 10,000 things per year, researchers noted that the average American has only four excuses.

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