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Fathers

Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Dad Way Scarier When Controlling Temper

SANTA ROSA, CA—Noting the 51-year-old’s increasingly flushed complexion, wide and intense eyes, and slow, heavy breathing during an argument Friday morning, local siblings Jeff and Katie Russell told reporters that their father, Dave Russell, ...

Area Family Has No Idea Where Dad Gets Shirts

SHERIDAN, WY—Saying he must get them somehow but that his means of procurement remained a mystery, the children of area father Don Griffith, 42, confirmed Friday they have no idea where he gets his shirts.

Area Dad Off To Bad Start With Waitress

BETHEL, PA—Following an awkward exchange in which Tom Richardson flagged down their server for "a round of waters" mere seconds after being seated, family members confirmed Sunday the 56-year-old father of three was off to a rough start wi...
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Fathers

Study: Average Father Thinks About Sealing In Meat’s Juices 4 To 5 Hours A Day

VILLANOVA, PA—Confirming that it is the single most frequent thought on fathers’ minds, a study released Monday by researchers at Villanova University found that the average dad thinks about sealing in meat’s juices between four and five hours per day. “Our research indicates that the typical dad thinks about sealing the juices into steaks, burgers, chops, and other meats hundreds of times over a typical 24-hour period,” lead researcher Marissa Gerard said of the study, which tracked how often fathers in their 40s pondered bringing a grill to high heat, searing the surface of a steak, and then pulling it off at just the right time to retain a juicy red color inside. “Whether a father is at work, at home, or already marinating another meat, roughly every six seconds on average, his mind starts drifting to thoughts of using charcoal or gas flames to create an evenly browned surface on a cut of meat that traps the juices inside. In a lifetime, he might spend 15 years thinking about how to prevent those juices from escaping.” The study also found that a significant number of test subjects reported spending up to eight additional hours per day thinking about getting those perfect diagonal grill marks.

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