Study: Casual Sex Only Rewarding For First Few Decades

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How Hackers Steal Data From Websites

With millions of Americans’ personal information becoming compromised by recent high-profile data breaches, many people are wondering just how anonymous hackers target and infiltrate these supposedly secure systems. Here is a step-by-step explanation of how your data can be stolen

Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

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With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:

Astronomers Just Going To Go Ahead And Say Dark Matter Nitrogen

‘Fuck It, We’re Done,’ Say Scientists

WASHINGTON—Declaring that this is the last time they ever hope to speak of the aggravatingly enigmatic substance, astronomers from NASA announced Thursday that they are just going to go ahead and say that dark matter is nitrogen.

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Timeline Of Mass Extinction

Scientists predict that human activity has put the world on the brink of the sixth mass extinction in earth’s history, an event characterized by the elimination of a large number of species within a very short period of time. Here is a timeline of extinction events over the planet’s history

Study: Floating Heap Of Trash Now Ocean’s Apex Predator

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Dementia Study Reveals Fond Memories First To Go

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FDA Approves Female-Libido-Enhancing Man

WASHINGTON—In an effort to address the needs of women suffering from a lack of sexual desire, the FDA announced Tuesday that it had approved a new female-libido-enhancing man, which is expected to be made available to the general public by year’s end.

New Report Finds Humanity 10 Years Away From Something Called Ash Age

TUCSON, AZ—Explaining that the large-scale shift in geologic conditions and social organization would require a new taxonomic classification, researchers at the University of Arizona released a report Tuesday revealing that humanity is approximately 10 years away from something that will be called the Ash Age.

NASA Announces Bold Plan To Still Exist By 2045

WASHINGTON—In what is being described as the most ambitious mission ever undertaken in the space agency’s history, NASA officials announced at a press conference Tuesday their bold new plan to still exist by 2045.

YouTube Turns 10

On April 23, 2005, three former PayPal employees started a video-sharing site called YouTube, which has since grown into an influential media platform with over 1 billion users.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Geologists Unearth Fully Intact Rock

FORT COLLINS, CO—Describing the discovery as the most flawless specimen ever unearthed, a team of geologists working in northern Colorado announced Friday they had excavated a fully intact rock.

Rehabilitated Otter Released Back Into Food Chain

SAUSALITO, CA—Following nine months of surgeries and physical therapy to heal the aquatic animal’s debilitating injuries, officials from the Marine Mammal Center released a fully rehabilitated sea otter back into the food chain Tuesday.

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Apple MacBook vs. Google Chromebook Pixel

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How Cable Companies Plan To Fight Cord Cutting

More consumers than ever are “cord cutting,” or getting rid of their cable service in favor of watching shows online, challenging the cable industry to launch new initiatives in order to keep customers.

Features Of The Apple Car

After dominating sales of smartphones, tablets, and other electronics, Apple is reportedly secretly designing its first car, code-named Titan.

2015 Tech Trends

Showcasing everything from wearable devices to self-driving cars and personal drones, this year’s Consumer Electronics Show revealed the latest in new technology.
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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.

Study: Casual Sex Only Rewarding For First Few Decades

ARLINGTON, VA—An alarming new study published in the International Journal of Sexual Health reveals that casual sex, the practice of engaging in frequent, spontaneous sexual encounters with new and exciting partners, may only provide unimaginable pleasure and heart-pounding exhilaration for, at most, 25 to 30 years.

"People who choose to participate in random, no-strings-attached lovemaking sessions with sexually adventurous strangers should be advised that this type of behavior is only incredibly liberating for the first quarter-century or so," said Dr. Loren Sullivan of Yale University, who coauthored the study on the long-term side effects of living out one's wildest fantasies on a semi-weekly basis. "Though sometimes it can be longer."

This couple may be having fun now, but there could be cause for regret a quarter-lifetime later, researchers say.

The study observed 100 sexually active volunteers who were not tied down by dull, passionless relationships and were therefore able to have sex with whomever they wanted, whenever they wanted. A control group of individuals who were married or had otherwise allowed their erogenous zones to fall into complete and utter numbness was also monitored for comparison.

Researchers found that those who regularly achieved mind-blowing orgasms without the expectation of commitment often experienced mild feelings of loneliness and a passing regret after as little as three decades of pure physical bliss free of emotional complication.

"There's a troubling number of adults who spend their prime sexual years in complete coital abandon, then have nothing to show for it but dozens upon dozens of highly detailed erotic memories," Sullivan said. "They must be so empty inside, one would think."

Other common, albeit latent, secondary effects noted in the study include mild disappointment and mid-afternoon crankiness, as well as a lingering need for additional casual sex. Researchers could not conclusively establish a link between anonymous, passionate trysts in nightclub bathrooms and these results, however, as a large portion of the polling group was found to be asymptomatic.

One participant, California native Greg Pertzborn, told researchers he sometimes wonders if the 30 years he spent beneath a different gorgeous woman every night were worth the periodic flickers of gloominess he began experiencing at the age of 59.

"When I think back on the countless times I've had raw, almost bestial sex, indoors or outdoors, with one, sometimes two Asian women whose parents I'll never have to meet, I occasionally get a little down," Pertzborn said. "God, what if I wasted my life having guilt-free, uninhibited, sensually explosive sex with anyone I wanted?"

Sullivan and his team plan to continue the study, saying they expect to find that the unattached, sexually satisfied persons between the ages of 20 and 30 whom they have been monitoring will feel compelled to settle down with a single partner and begin discussing joint checking accounts "any day now."

"Tragically, it's quite possible that many of these singles may never realize how miserable a lifetime of phenomenal, kinky sex can make them," said Sullivan, adding that recent evidence suggests such a healthy, rational realization could be further hindered by the experience of spontaneous oral sex behind the bushes at poolside cocktail parties.

Although the study has not yet caused any perceptible reduction in the popularity of having casual sex, proponents of the report, like husband and father-of-four Howard Kehoe, say it provides proof that promiscuity is not "the endless carnal thrill-ride" it is often made out to be.

"I am so thankful that I never acted on my natural impulses and engaged in a sweaty, toe-curling, life-affirming romp with that knockout I saw in the park last week," Kehoe said. "I may die having only caressed the naked, goose-pimpled flesh of two women on the entire planet, including my wife, but at least I know I'll never have to endure a burst of fleeting regret long after I've retired."

"That's one sensation I never want to experience," Kehoe added.