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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Study: Child Obesity Rates Declining, But You Wouldn’t Know It Looking At MacArthur Center Mall In Norfolk, Virginia

NORFOLK, VA—A report issued Tuesday by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention reveals a significant decline in childhood obesity rates in several states, though, honestly, sources confirmed, you sure wouldn’t know it if you took one look at the MacArthur Center mall in Norfolk, Virginia. “After decades of rising obesity rates among American children aged 2 to 4, our latest findings show that the prevalence of this alarming trend may at last be diminishing, despite what even the briefest glance at the MacArthur Center mall might lead you to believe,” said CDC director Thomas Frieden, adding that the study, while statistically accurate, “sure as shit” doesn’t seem like it if you’ve ever watched dozens of preschoolers frantically waddle to the food court of the Norfolk shopping center. “Though it’s too early to conclude that we have turned the corner in stemming this dangerous epidemic, we hopefully will see further promising developments in the coming years, the grotesque little butterballs in the MacArthur Mall notwithstanding.” According to agency sources, the CDC’s latest report comes on the heels of similarly optimistic studies concerning the nationwide abatement of drug abuse, teen pregnancy, and illiteracy, which sure as hell weren’t written by anybody who’s ever visited the Ridgeland, Mississippi Dairy Queen.

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