adBlockCheck

Study: Child Obesity Rates Declining, But You Wouldn’t Know It Looking At MacArthur Center Mall In Norfolk, Virginia

Top Headlines

Science & Technology

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels

LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels.

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.

How Dating Sites Match Their Users

With millions of people opting to use online dating sites to meet new potential romantic partners, many are wondering how computer algorithms can enhance their chances of finding “the one.” Here are the steps that dating sites take to match compatible users

How To File A Patent

In the United States, anyone who believes they have invented something truly unique is welcome to fill out a patent application to protect it, but it’s often a complicated and laborious process. Here are the steps involved in securing a patent

EPA Urges Nation To Develop New Air Source

WASHINGTON—Citing the hazardous levels of carbon dioxide and other pollutants accumulating in the atmosphere, officials from the Environmental Protection Agency urged the nation this week to develop a new air source.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Study: Child Obesity Rates Declining, But You Wouldn’t Know It Looking At MacArthur Center Mall In Norfolk, Virginia

NORFOLK, VA—A report issued Tuesday by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention reveals a significant decline in childhood obesity rates in several states, though, honestly, sources confirmed, you sure wouldn’t know it if you took one look at the MacArthur Center mall in Norfolk, Virginia. “After decades of rising obesity rates among American children aged 2 to 4, our latest findings show that the prevalence of this alarming trend may at last be diminishing, despite what even the briefest glance at the MacArthur Center mall might lead you to believe,” said CDC director Thomas Frieden, adding that the study, while statistically accurate, “sure as shit” doesn’t seem like it if you’ve ever watched dozens of preschoolers frantically waddle to the food court of the Norfolk shopping center. “Though it’s too early to conclude that we have turned the corner in stemming this dangerous epidemic, we hopefully will see further promising developments in the coming years, the grotesque little butterballs in the MacArthur Mall notwithstanding.” According to agency sources, the CDC’s latest report comes on the heels of similarly optimistic studies concerning the nationwide abatement of drug abuse, teen pregnancy, and illiteracy, which sure as hell weren’t written by anybody who’s ever visited the Ridgeland, Mississippi Dairy Queen.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close