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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Study: Child Obesity Rates Declining, But You Wouldn’t Know It Looking At MacArthur Center Mall In Norfolk, Virginia

NORFOLK, VA—A report issued Tuesday by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention reveals a significant decline in childhood obesity rates in several states, though, honestly, sources confirmed, you sure wouldn’t know it if you took one look at the MacArthur Center mall in Norfolk, Virginia. “After decades of rising obesity rates among American children aged 2 to 4, our latest findings show that the prevalence of this alarming trend may at last be diminishing, despite what even the briefest glance at the MacArthur Center mall might lead you to believe,” said CDC director Thomas Frieden, adding that the study, while statistically accurate, “sure as shit” doesn’t seem like it if you’ve ever watched dozens of preschoolers frantically waddle to the food court of the Norfolk shopping center. “Though it’s too early to conclude that we have turned the corner in stemming this dangerous epidemic, we hopefully will see further promising developments in the coming years, the grotesque little butterballs in the MacArthur Mall notwithstanding.” According to agency sources, the CDC’s latest report comes on the heels of similarly optimistic studies concerning the nationwide abatement of drug abuse, teen pregnancy, and illiteracy, which sure as hell weren’t written by anybody who’s ever visited the Ridgeland, Mississippi Dairy Queen.

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