Study: Child Obesity Rates Declining, But You Wouldn’t Know It Looking At MacArthur Center Mall In Norfolk, Virginia

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Vol 49 Issue 32

Carl Tresvant

Since he didn’t know anything about the topic being discussed, Carl Tresvant kept his goddamn trap shut.

Obama Taking 8-Day Martha’s Vineyard Vacation

The Obama family will leave Saturday for an 8-day vacation on the quiet, affluent island of Martha’s Vineyard, where they have visited three of the past four summers, and are expected to spend the week golfing, shopping, and relaxing.

Doctors Finally Clear Peyton Manning To Play Football

DENVER—Two years after performing his 2011 spinal fusion surgery, doctors announced this week that Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning has been officially cleared to return to the field and take part in football activities.
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Study: Child Obesity Rates Declining, But You Wouldn’t Know It Looking At MacArthur Center Mall In Norfolk, Virginia

NORFOLK, VA—A report issued Tuesday by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention reveals a significant decline in childhood obesity rates in several states, though, honestly, sources confirmed, you sure wouldn’t know it if you took one look at the MacArthur Center mall in Norfolk, Virginia. “After decades of rising obesity rates among American children aged 2 to 4, our latest findings show that the prevalence of this alarming trend may at last be diminishing, despite what even the briefest glance at the MacArthur Center mall might lead you to believe,” said CDC director Thomas Frieden, adding that the study, while statistically accurate, “sure as shit” doesn’t seem like it if you’ve ever watched dozens of preschoolers frantically waddle to the food court of the Norfolk shopping center. “Though it’s too early to conclude that we have turned the corner in stemming this dangerous epidemic, we hopefully will see further promising developments in the coming years, the grotesque little butterballs in the MacArthur Mall notwithstanding.” According to agency sources, the CDC’s latest report comes on the heels of similarly optimistic studies concerning the nationwide abatement of drug abuse, teen pregnancy, and illiteracy, which sure as hell weren’t written by anybody who’s ever visited the Ridgeland, Mississippi Dairy Queen.

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