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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Study: Depression Up Among Teenage Girls Able To Perceive Any Part Of World Around Them

WALTHAM, MA—Calling it nothing short of a mental health crisis for the group, a study published Monday in The New England Journal Of Medicine found that depression was up sharply among teenage girls able to perceive any part of the world around them. “Our research has shown a significant increase in anxiety and depression among 13- to 19-year-old girls who are capable of taking in stimuli from their surroundings and processing them into an understanding of the outside world,” said study author Natalie Ogilvy, adding that an ability to observe day-to-day existence, comprehend media, or register any of their own personal experiences were among some of the strongest predictors of emotional difficulties for teenage girls­. “In addition, we noticed even more pronounced depressive symptoms among female adolescents who not only can perceive their environment, but who also have the capacity to retain memories of what they have witnessed. Teenage girls who are able to imagine themselves even seconds into their future circumstances were the most vulnerable of them all.” While depression peaked among teenage girls able to perceive the world around them, the researchers also found that it manifested itself in early childhood or even infancy, particularly among newborn girls able to open their eyes.

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