adBlockCheck

Recent News

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
End Of Section
  • More News

Study: Depression Hits Losers Hardest

PALO ALTO, CA—According to a report released Monday by Stanford's Institute For Psychotherapeutic Study, depression, America's leading mental illness, hits losers worse than any other segment of society.

Losers, sad excuses for human beings who have no reason to feel good about themselves or their failed, miserable lives, are approximately 25 times as likely to suffer the emotionally crippling effects of depression as any other group researched, the study claims.

Worse yet, the prospects for successful treatment of depression among the loser populace are "poor at best," the study found. The reason: Most losers are such hopeless lost causes that they can never get a life, no matter how hard they try, and are "doomed to repeat their mistakes forever, living out their pathetic existence as little more than human garbage."

"People who are depressed are gripped by painful feelings of shame, hopelessness and low self-esteem," said Dr. Anne Wyler-Hustad, head of the Stanford team. "Losers are much more likely to internalize these emotions, as they are miserable little nothings, devoid of any value as people."

Noted therapist Eli Wasserbaum agreed. "Because they are so inherently inferior to regular people, many losers feel—quite correctly—that their lives are not worth living," Wasserbaum said. "Nobody cares about them, they are alone, they can't hold down a job, they have no money. Even their own families hate them. Life has passed them by. What's the point in their even going on?"

According to the Stanford study, losers are five times more likely to suffer from negative sexual self-images than non-losers, usually because they are fat and ugly, and nobody in their right mind would ever want to date them. Further, negative feelings such as despair, self-loathing and hopelessness are three times as common among go-nowhere lowlife losers than among normal people who are not worthless as human beings.

A depressed loser cowers in a corner. According to a new Stanford University study, there is no hope for such people.

The study also indicates that, because nobody would miss them if they died, losers are nine times as likely to attempt suicide as worthwhile people. "From the true loser's point of view, the compulsion to inflict self-harm seems to be 'the only way out.' This is true," Wyler-Hustad said. "Lord knows why they don't just do us all a favor and blow their heads off once and for all. I know I would if I were a loser like that."

But is there any hope for these losers? Can they get better? According to Stanford researchers, the answer is a resounding no.

"The depressed patient suffers from severe, delusional feelings of worthlessness," the study read. "But through therapy, the majority of those people are able to overcome their depression by slowly discovering that these negative beliefs are not true. In the case of losers, however, such negative self-images are not delusional, but instead reflect the truth about their lack of worth. This makes the loser's chances of suffering depression far more likely, and their prognosis for recovery slim to none."

With over one million Americans on Prozac, depression remains America's leading mental illness. But while most patients can expect to benefit from the drug, mental health experts agree that losers will not be helped by prescription drug therapy or, for that matter, anything at all.

"Losers, despite their profound, constant state of despair, are hated by others as much as they hate themselves," said Theodore Foti, director of the famed Rochester Institute For Mental Health. "They have no friends because they are, quite simply, too pathetic and useless for anyone to care about. How could anyone possibly expect a little pill to cure a problem like that? Give me a break."

Because of their severe, profound "loserdom," realistic treatment options for depressed losers are almost nil, the Stanford report concludes.

"The only treatment that makes any sense is loathing and rejection," Wyler-Hustad noted. "It is only logical that stupid, fat, ugly, bed-wetting, crybaby losers be shunned as outcasts and be treated with the hatred and disrespect they so richly deserve."

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close
settings