Study: Depression Hits Losers Hardest

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Vol 31 Issue 08

White Castle Plundered By Turks

KEW GARDENS, NY—A Queens-area White Castle restaurant was violently raided Friday by Turkish marauder Bakhbar The Cruel. "Let songs of this day echo off the white tile walls," Bakhbar said shortly after unseating and beheading shift manager Dave Spivac, 27. Small, squarish hamburgers, described by Bakhbar's generals as "what he craves," were carted off by the hundreds following the raid. Four captured employees will now be traded as slaves. Also stolen in the brutal Castle purge were over 36 dozen kids' meal toys, 11 gallons of beverage syrup, and enough onion chips to get the nomadic horde to the Throgs Neck Bridge.

'Urban Legends True,' Says Friend Of Cousin's Roommate

CHICAGO—According to a study released Sunday by the friend of this one guy's roommate, contemporary word-of-mouth folklore, or "urban legends," are true. While not actually heard first-hand, the guy said, "Though typically met with skepticism, urban legends are almost always true. Like the one about the guy whose friends threw him a surprise party, but he was naked. I know for a fact that that's a true story—my sister's ex-boyfriend was at that party." The guy also said that a child actually did die from consuming Pop Rocks candy with Coca-Cola, claiming that "it was in the paper."

Aerobics Linked To Lousy Music

LOS ANGELES—A UCLA study released Monday demonstrates a strong link between aerobics and lousy music. "In 98 percent of cases where aerobics are being performed, lousy music can be clearly heard in the vicinity," study head Dr. Ronald Braun said. "Whether it's 'Gonna Make You Sweat' by C&C Music Factory or 'Another Night' by Real McCoy, expect to find songs that are in the lousy-to-crappy range wherever there is an aerobics class taking place." When asked if there is any link between the lousy music and the vacuous, airheaded superficiality of aerobics enthusiasts, Braun replied, "Definitely."

Neighbors Remember Serial Killer As Serial Killer

DUNEDIN, FL—In the wake of his capture Monday, serial killer Eddie Lee Curtis is being recalled by neighbors as a serial killer. "He was kind of a murderous, insane, serial-killer type of fellow," said Will Rowell, 57, who lived next door to the man arrested for the murder of 14 nurses in Florida and Georgia. "He sort of kept to himself, killing nurses, molesting their corpses and then burying the bodies in his backyard." Neighbor Peggy Appleton agreed: "I didn't know him that well, but he really seemed to hate nurses, the way he was always dismembering them with power tools. I guess you could say he fancied himself a serial killer."

Secret Police Enforce Mourning Of Deng Xiaoping

BEIJING—China's 1.2 billion citizens observed a state police-enforced mourning of 92-year-old premier Deng Xiaoping last week. "Our great leader is gone," said Wuhan resident Xiang Hu as a bayonet was held to his throat by a member of the government's elite military guard. Deng's funeral procession through the streets of Beijing was attended by over one million people from as far as 900 miles away, all of whom were forcibly bused in by the state. A 30-day period of national mourning has been declared, during which anyone found not weeping openly will be executed.

Fontly Speaking

Hey, as much as I hate to preach, now is the time when I have to get on the old soapbox: No more Futura Bold Condensed! I mean, really! It's such a precocious little font. I know it seems chic and irresistible, but show some restraint! People are using it everywhere, from Surgeon General's warnings to children's arithmetic books, and it really bugs me to see it used when a simple, moderate 18-point Helvetica Narrow Oblique would fill the bill without the pretension. Please, don't fall in the trap of using inappropriate fonts to make up for unimpressive material.

'Bridge To 21st Century' Crap Forgotten

WASHINGTON, DC—Offering a bold new vision for post-1996 presidential election America, President Clinton unveiled a new plan Monday to forget about that "Bridge To The 21st Century" crap.

Horoscope for the week of March 5, 1997

In the spring of your youth you were one who ran often to the many women of Paris, but now the good wine and the late light of the sun on the Plaza Del Toros must be enough for you.

I Will Love You Until The Stars Fall From The Sky vs. Please Stop Calling Me

Elaine, I will love you forever. I will adore you until the sun neither rises in the morning, nor sets in the evening as you lay your perfect cheek upon your pillow for slumber—usually after watching Trapper John, M.D. and spending 8-11 minutes in what I've surmised from my spot in the bushes to be your bathroom.

The Clone Wars

In the first-ever cloning of a mammal, scientists in Scotland announced last week that they had successfully cloned a sheep. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

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    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

Study: Depression Hits Losers Hardest

PALO ALTO, CA—According to a report released Monday by Stanford's Institute For Psychotherapeutic Study, depression, America's leading mental illness, hits losers worse than any other segment of society.

Losers, sad excuses for human beings who have no reason to feel good about themselves or their failed, miserable lives, are approximately 25 times as likely to suffer the emotionally crippling effects of depression as any other group researched, the study claims.

Worse yet, the prospects for successful treatment of depression among the loser populace are "poor at best," the study found. The reason: Most losers are such hopeless lost causes that they can never get a life, no matter how hard they try, and are "doomed to repeat their mistakes forever, living out their pathetic existence as little more than human garbage."

"People who are depressed are gripped by painful feelings of shame, hopelessness and low self-esteem," said Dr. Anne Wyler-Hustad, head of the Stanford team. "Losers are much more likely to internalize these emotions, as they are miserable little nothings, devoid of any value as people."

Noted therapist Eli Wasserbaum agreed. "Because they are so inherently inferior to regular people, many losers feel—quite correctly—that their lives are not worth living," Wasserbaum said. "Nobody cares about them, they are alone, they can't hold down a job, they have no money. Even their own families hate them. Life has passed them by. What's the point in their even going on?"

According to the Stanford study, losers are five times more likely to suffer from negative sexual self-images than non-losers, usually because they are fat and ugly, and nobody in their right mind would ever want to date them. Further, negative feelings such as despair, self-loathing and hopelessness are three times as common among go-nowhere lowlife losers than among normal people who are not worthless as human beings.

A depressed loser cowers in a corner. According to a new Stanford University study, there is no hope for such people.

The study also indicates that, because nobody would miss them if they died, losers are nine times as likely to attempt suicide as worthwhile people. "From the true loser's point of view, the compulsion to inflict self-harm seems to be 'the only way out.' This is true," Wyler-Hustad said. "Lord knows why they don't just do us all a favor and blow their heads off once and for all. I know I would if I were a loser like that."

But is there any hope for these losers? Can they get better? According to Stanford researchers, the answer is a resounding no.

"The depressed patient suffers from severe, delusional feelings of worthlessness," the study read. "But through therapy, the majority of those people are able to overcome their depression by slowly discovering that these negative beliefs are not true. In the case of losers, however, such negative self-images are not delusional, but instead reflect the truth about their lack of worth. This makes the loser's chances of suffering depression far more likely, and their prognosis for recovery slim to none."

With over one million Americans on Prozac, depression remains America's leading mental illness. But while most patients can expect to benefit from the drug, mental health experts agree that losers will not be helped by prescription drug therapy or, for that matter, anything at all.

"Losers, despite their profound, constant state of despair, are hated by others as much as they hate themselves," said Theodore Foti, director of the famed Rochester Institute For Mental Health. "They have no friends because they are, quite simply, too pathetic and useless for anyone to care about. How could anyone possibly expect a little pill to cure a problem like that? Give me a break."

Because of their severe, profound "loserdom," realistic treatment options for depressed losers are almost nil, the Stanford report concludes.

"The only treatment that makes any sense is loathing and rejection," Wyler-Hustad noted. "It is only logical that stupid, fat, ugly, bed-wetting, crybaby losers be shunned as outcasts and be treated with the hatred and disrespect they so richly deserve."

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