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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Study: Every 10 Seconds A Skyscraper Window Washer Falls To His Death

NEW YORK—A study released Monday by the Department of Labor found that every 10 seconds, on average, a window washer somewhere in the United States accidentally plummets to his or her death. "One would expect an occasional fatality in this occupation, but our research indicates that whether a rope snaps or a slip-and-trip situation occurs, more than 8,500 window washers are killed each day," said statistician Carl Eberling, adding that during a half-hour stroll through Manhattan, one is likely to see 15 to 25 workers hit the pavement, depending on the neighborhood. "Even with strict safety measures in place, the truth is, it just gets really windy up there." Eberling noted that at Dubai's Burj Khalifa, the world's tallest building, it is not unusual for one window washer to be smashing into the ground while a second flails and screams in midair and a third, somewhere above, is beginning to lose balance.

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