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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Study: Every 10 Seconds A Skyscraper Window Washer Falls To His Death

NEW YORK—A study released Monday by the Department of Labor found that every 10 seconds, on average, a window washer somewhere in the United States accidentally plummets to his or her death. "One would expect an occasional fatality in this occupation, but our research indicates that whether a rope snaps or a slip-and-trip situation occurs, more than 8,500 window washers are killed each day," said statistician Carl Eberling, adding that during a half-hour stroll through Manhattan, one is likely to see 15 to 25 workers hit the pavement, depending on the neighborhood. "Even with strict safety measures in place, the truth is, it just gets really windy up there." Eberling noted that at Dubai's Burj Khalifa, the world's tallest building, it is not unusual for one window washer to be smashing into the ground while a second flails and screams in midair and a third, somewhere above, is beginning to lose balance.

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