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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Study: Every 10 Seconds A Skyscraper Window Washer Falls To His Death

NEW YORK—A study released Monday by the Department of Labor found that every 10 seconds, on average, a window washer somewhere in the United States accidentally plummets to his or her death. "One would expect an occasional fatality in this occupation, but our research indicates that whether a rope snaps or a slip-and-trip situation occurs, more than 8,500 window washers are killed each day," said statistician Carl Eberling, adding that during a half-hour stroll through Manhattan, one is likely to see 15 to 25 workers hit the pavement, depending on the neighborhood. "Even with strict safety measures in place, the truth is, it just gets really windy up there." Eberling noted that at Dubai's Burj Khalifa, the world's tallest building, it is not unusual for one window washer to be smashing into the ground while a second flails and screams in midair and a third, somewhere above, is beginning to lose balance.

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