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Study: Everyone, Everything Linked To Paranoia

Researchers claim all of it, absolutely all of it, can be definitively linked to paranoia.
Researchers claim all of it, absolutely all of it, can be definitively linked to paranoia.

BALTIMORE—According to a study published Tuesday in The New England Journal Of Medicine, researchers at Johns Hopkins University have succeeded in conclusively linking everyone and everything everywhere to paranoia.

The comprehensive 11-month study—which was designed to establish that it’s all tied to paranoia, all of it, and absolutely everyone is in on it—was able to connect extreme cases of paranoid behavior with the government, the media, doctors, Palestine, the meat industry, stoplights, and everything in existence, all working together, conspiring against us.

“Our research shows statistically significant correlations between episodes of paranoia and fast food chains, Time magazine, the growing military-industrial-media complex that holds all Americans hostage, honeybees, my mother, and China,” said an unshaven, disheveled Dr. Adam Crane, lead author of the paper. “During routine tests, we saw that not only was frantic suspicion and extreme distress a symptom of everything being part of one big conspiracy, but it was also a direct response to the fact that everyone in the world, here and in other countries, is watching us right now at this very moment.”

“Furthermore, our data confirmed this phenomenon goes all the way to the top,” Crane added. “Straight to Obama, Bernanke, the pope, NASA, Jeff Leialoha of Ann Arbor, MI. Everyone.”

“Don’t you see how it’s all connected?” researchers say.

Confirming there was no escape in sight, no escape whatsoever, Crane told reporters that paralyzing feelings of mistrust can almost certainly also be tied to indisputable proof that the whole thing is bigger and more detailed than anyone could have ever imagined. So much fucking bigger.

According to researchers, three out of 10 consecutive trials found paranoia stemmed from the tiniest granule of sand to the cosmos itself, and went “way, way beyond” just the grocery baggers at Safeway, Operation Desert Storm, the AIDS epidemic, and the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. At least four additional lab-controlled experiments showed high levels of emotional distress stemming from the discovery that microchips—CIA-monitored microchips—have been embedded in all newborns’ skulls to poison their mental stream with Visa propaganda from day one.

Additionally, the study confirmed that they know. They all know. And they know we know, sources said.

“Crickets, of course, we knew were in on it, and it was certainly no surprise that the 1996 Indiana Pacers were in some way involved,” study co-author Dr. Laura Zhang told reporters. “But I personally was not aware of just how closely linked to paranoia my own colleagues were, and how even my closest research partners, these people I thought I could trust, were in on it all along.”

“Do not tell them I talked to you, do you understand me?” Zhang added. “Research suggests there is a good chance they are recording this conversation right now."

The researchers said that while they were able to verify the link between paranoia and the Illuminati, Chelsea Handler, the fluoride in tap water, and everyone and everything else in the world, their study still left many questions unanswered.

“What we hope to figure out through follow-up studies is who—if anyone—can still be trusted with this information,” Dr. Crane said. “I mean, how deep does this thing go? Students? Department heads? Family? Friends? Reporters?”

“Reporters!” Crane added as he frantically ran out of the room.

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

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