After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Study Finds 60% Of Parents Too Busy With Divorce To Worry About Football Safety

EVANSTON, IL—According to a new study published this week by Northwestern University, an estimated 60 percent of parents are simply too tied up in lengthy divorce proceedings at the moment to worry about their child’s safety on the football field. “Our findings indicate that over half of parents who have a child playing football just don’t have the time between meeting with their attorneys and attending preliminary custody hearings to trouble themselves with statistics such as concussion and head injury rates,” said lead researcher Aaron Mabrey, adding that ensuing fights over property distribution and alimony have drastically limited the ability of most parents to monitor the health and safety risks of Pop Warner football. “While they certainly don’t want their kids to get hurt, it is understandably tough for most parents to worry about things like whether or not permanent brain damage is being inflicted on their child when they’ve got a pretty full schedule of hostile phone calls with attorneys, showing proof of fault, and hammering out visitation rights.” The report did find that, irrespective of the physical effects, football and other contact sports were a highly effective way for children of divorce to take out their anger and resentment toward their parents.

After Birth

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