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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Study Finds 79% Of Statistics Now Sobering

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Noting a sharp increase over recent decades, a study released Wednesday by researchers at MIT confirmed that nearly 80 percent of all statistics are now sobering. “As recently as 15 years ago, there were relatively few statistics that were concerning, let alone troubling, but our research found that the vast majority of current statistical figures are unsettling, alarming, or even, in some cases, chilling,” said lead author Dr. Henry P. Sarraf, who also found that 71 percent of statistics are eye-opening, with a higher-than-expected 48 percent now serving as a major wake-up call. “For years, we’ve known that worrisome statistics were on the rise, but these numbers really shed new light on the problem. Indeed, we found that there are very few, if any, encouraging statistics left.” The findings come shortly after the release of a similar report from Stanford University, which found that a majority of study results are now startling.

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