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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.
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Study Finds 79% Of Statistics Now Sobering

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Noting a sharp increase over recent decades, a study released Wednesday by researchers at MIT confirmed that nearly 80 percent of all statistics are now sobering. “As recently as 15 years ago, there were relatively few statistics that were concerning, let alone troubling, but our research found that the vast majority of current statistical figures are unsettling, alarming, or even, in some cases, chilling,” said lead author Dr. Henry P. Sarraf, who also found that 71 percent of statistics are eye-opening, with a higher-than-expected 48 percent now serving as a major wake-up call. “For years, we’ve known that worrisome statistics were on the rise, but these numbers really shed new light on the problem. Indeed, we found that there are very few, if any, encouraging statistics left.” The findings come shortly after the release of a similar report from Stanford University, which found that a majority of study results are now startling.

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