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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Study Finds 79% Of Statistics Now Sobering

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Noting a sharp increase over recent decades, a study released Wednesday by researchers at MIT confirmed that nearly 80 percent of all statistics are now sobering. “As recently as 15 years ago, there were relatively few statistics that were concerning, let alone troubling, but our research found that the vast majority of current statistical figures are unsettling, alarming, or even, in some cases, chilling,” said lead author Dr. Henry P. Sarraf, who also found that 71 percent of statistics are eye-opening, with a higher-than-expected 48 percent now serving as a major wake-up call. “For years, we’ve known that worrisome statistics were on the rise, but these numbers really shed new light on the problem. Indeed, we found that there are very few, if any, encouraging statistics left.” The findings come shortly after the release of a similar report from Stanford University, which found that a majority of study results are now startling.

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