After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Study Finds 90% Of Adopted Children’s Biological Parents Own Mansions

ANN ARBOR, MI—A study released Thursday by sociologists at the University of Michigan has found that 90 percent of the biological parents of adopted children ages 6 to 12 are millionaires who own sprawling mansions with huge backyards. “According to our data, nearly all parents who once put their children up for adoption now own luxurious estates with vast grounds that include an Olympic-sized pool, a stable for ponies, and big tree houses that have all the latest video game consoles hooked up to giant TV screens,” said head researcher Joren Offerman, adding that a vast majority of the biological parents were professional basketball players, astronauts, or royalty. “Nine in 10 of these parents have apparently struck it rich, willing to pay for unlimited trips to Disney World, all the coolest clothes, exotic pets such as boa constrictors and giraffes, and destination birthday parties in Hawaii at which everyone invited arrives by private jet and there are live appearances by performers like One Direction and Katy Perry.” The study concluded that every night, the parents lie awake in bed, thinking about the children they gave up and how much they love and miss them.

After Birth

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