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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Study Finds All-Consuming Self-Pity Best Way To Win Back Ex-Partner

CHICAGO—A study released Thursday by the University of Chicago’s Department of Psychology has found that debilitating self-pity is the most effective strategy to win back the love of a former romantic partner. “Our research shows that the more you lament your current situation, fixating on how you’ll never find anyone as good as your ex and how you can’t possibly enjoy life now that he or she is gone, the sooner that person will return to you and say he or she can’t live without you,” said report co-author Sylvia Hawkins, adding that researchers discovered a link between sitting on the couch all day staring teary-eyed into space and one’s former partner walking right back through the door. “The data revealed that ex-partners are twice as likely to call you up and say that the breakup was the biggest mistake of their lives if you torture yourself incessantly until you can barely function at work. Furthermore, we determined that there was a direct correlation between how much you feel sorry for yourself and the probability of an ex-lover desperately begging you to forgive him or her for leaving you.” The report also concluded that holding your head up high and moving on with your life virtually guaranteed that you would never find love again.

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