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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Study Finds All-Consuming Self-Pity Best Way To Win Back Ex-Partner

CHICAGO—A study released Thursday by the University of Chicago’s Department of Psychology has found that debilitating self-pity is the most effective strategy to win back the love of a former romantic partner. “Our research shows that the more you lament your current situation, fixating on how you’ll never find anyone as good as your ex and how you can’t possibly enjoy life now that he or she is gone, the sooner that person will return to you and say he or she can’t live without you,” said report co-author Sylvia Hawkins, adding that researchers discovered a link between sitting on the couch all day staring teary-eyed into space and one’s former partner walking right back through the door. “The data revealed that ex-partners are twice as likely to call you up and say that the breakup was the biggest mistake of their lives if you torture yourself incessantly until you can barely function at work. Furthermore, we determined that there was a direct correlation between how much you feel sorry for yourself and the probability of an ex-lover desperately begging you to forgive him or her for leaving you.” The report also concluded that holding your head up high and moving on with your life virtually guaranteed that you would never find love again.

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